SHAAHHAHAT

I woke up this morning to see that my phone i had 3 missed calls. I checked to see who it was and it was my ex. I freaked out. Why was he calling me? Why now? What the hell. I also saw that he sent me a text saying how this is the only time he would want to talk to me and if i don't respond or call back he's done.

Manipulative fuck. Like I care.

Gwen Stefani gots me in the mood to get my hollaback girl on. And now I'm really hungry. RAWR

FLICKR PROJECT

http://www.flickr.com/people/tinaluchtlucht/

response to politics and parents plus a memoir

Does this ring true in your own life? Have your views on specific questions of policy changed since you’ve become a parent? How about your more general views on liberalism vs conservatism. Can it possibly have anything to do with seeing the world through the eyes of the opposite gender — in other words, the eyes of your child?

My dad jumps back and forth when it comes to politics. I mean, growing up I was raised in a liberal standpoint, everything was all about Bill Clinton and John Kerry. But over the past year my dad started to go towards the republican side. I do feel however that both the child and the parent influence each other, but the question is how much does one have on the other. From my perspective, I would have to say that parents reflect their attributes on to their children. Otherwise meaning that parents control/mold their children the way they might want them to be.


Day 10

Its Monday mornning, and I'm tired as hell. The sleeping meds they've been prescribing me isn't effective and now they're talking about keeping me here a few more days to "study" me. I don't want to be here any longer than the majority of the people here. I wish I was outside of school, smoking a cigarette with people in the back parking lot. I wish I could go home today. But the details of me going home all rely on if my family meeting goes well. Which is today, by the way, at 1 pm. If theres one thing I despise the most is meetings, with my mother. OF ALL PEOPLE. My mother. Then again I guess I can't really say that I have anyone else. My immediate family is my father and my mother. Other than that, I'm an only child.

Well, I must go speak with the team now, the team of doctors that is, and discuss my discharge.

Question of the Day; Monday June 1st.

So, what it is? What volume do you like to hear your music at and why? Do you feel like listening to music loudly is a worthy sacrifice or some bands are better louder? What about concerts? Ever gone to one with ear plugs?

I prefer to listen to my music as loud as possible. Why? Because it makes my car vibrate and plus everyones just staring at you when you drive down the street with windows down and Velvet Revolver blasting, and they just stand there wondering what the hell are you listening to?

As for concerts, I've never gone to a concert with ear plugs. Whats the point of doing that if you're there to hear the music. I can understand going to warped tour with some however. So many bands are playing at once and people are just going insane and crazy. But yeah, never gone to a concert with ear plugs, and music is better louder in any situation. EXCEPT I HATE IT WHEN THE MUSIC IS LOUD WHEN PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING IN MY CAR TELLING ME WHERE TO GO.

But other than that, yeah, I can deal with it.

Twilight Response

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I officially love this writer. He makes a good point, although I am offended that he dissed the name Leslie, which infact is the name of my father. But oh well, thats his name and not mine to deal with. I think its funny though that he created that particular "challenge". I actually tried this on my ex a while back, but only with the movie, and he just screamed and whined like a little baby. It was absolutely pathetic. The only person I can think of who actually reads the Twilight series thats a guy is Ninja. Sheesh. I'm gonna start using the word cede, for it sounds very cool to my ears and when I say it, it makes me feel good.

Meh, Why do I ALWAYS lose my train of thought when I start writing a blog.

007 AGENT STORY!!!

My name is Celest, Jules Celest. I've been working for the top secret "we're cool" undercover "i'm gonna kick your butt" agency for 5 years now. I'm the top in my class in all categories. I will defeat you with my pinky in the blink of an eye. I am also a computer hacker who cracked the government database when I was 15 years old. The places the agency usually sends me to are in Europe and Russia. Apparently thats where all the "action" is, and by golly gee wiz I can never refuse something that provides action! I've been taught not to trust anyone, only your boss. But even your boss can turn on you. The reason as to why I've been recruited is because I'm drop dead georgous and I'm smarter than a pickle. Being a spy is awesome. I love it. Its like being an actress but with more pride and stuff. I get to be whomever I want, and at the same time kick anyones ass that gets in my way. Plus the pay is really good, 500,000k per job. :D


Alright I know this looks really goofy and all, but I wasn't exactly sure how to come up with a tale about being a secret agent and stuff, so my baaad.

High Fidelity Assignment

Top 5 Songs

1. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
2. Its Been A While - Staind
3. Use Me - Hinder
4. So Hott - Kid Rock
5. F*ck You Lucy - Atmosphere

Top 5 Friends

1. Jamie LeClaire
2. Mariah Damte
3. Zoee Taylor
4. Daryl Berg
5. ...Hi Matthea.

I think this is really weird that we're naming our top 5 friends, btw...

Top 5 Learning Experiences

1. How to ride a bike
2. Dating
3. Death
4. Love
5. Grief

Top 5 Lessons from High Fidelity

1. Don't go around asking what you did wrong to your ex girlfriends
2. Avoid crazy women
3. Avoid crazy people
4. Collect good music and obsess about it
5. Just don't date.

Top 5 Go-To Foods

1. Ramen Cup BEEF
2. Mac n Cheese
3. Noodley stuff
4. Asian food my lola makes
5. Cheeseburgers from A&W

Post Fight Club Assignment

I believe that emotional violence runs deeper than physical because emotional violence impacts who you are as a being. As for physical violence, you can just wrap yourself up and give it a few days then you're fine. The one that results in longer scars depends on the situation or how you want to take it. You can have physical scars, which do last a lifetime [unless if you're ridiculously rich and pay some cocky doctor to "wipe" them off] or you can have emotional scars. Emotional scars are the ones that show you your mistakes, and a reminder of what you can do to avoid them in the future. It can be either good or bad emotional scars, however. Bad scars hold you back from making choices, taking risks. Good scars, just gives you a reminder and etc.

Layme.

I just got off the phone with my mother and she told me all the people who were coming to visit me tomorrow. Apparently its going to be her, my aunt, my god parents and my dad. No kids. At all. Ugh. Great. Now I gotta deal with my mom's side of the family interrogating me on everything. Crap. If theres one thing I hate dealing with is questions. Questions that you obviously shouldn't be asking at such a critical time. I mean sure, I'm open to talk about it with strangers and etc, but with my family? People who I have to deal with for my whole life and who are probably not gonna let this die down or anything whatsoever? No thank you. On top of that, the test results aren't coming till tomorrow. LAYME. I'm ditching group to blog about my feelings, oh joy to the world. Plus I'm trying to get as much apex work done before the end of the school year so I can at least get a passing grade in 2 classes. I think I have a passing grade in the movies & literature class, but I'm not sure. And I hope I have a passing grade in the blogging class. My algebra book is missing. AGH. I need a nap, but no. Tina must work work work. Oddly enough, school doesn't really stress me out. It makes me tired, but not stressed. That reminds me, I should probably write that 2 page paper on why I should be accepted into PSEO. Unfortunately ALC schools don't have a class rank, which I find pretty ridiculous none the less. but yeah. We're suppose to blog 3 times a week right? Well, I'm gonna blog like 50 times a week. Okay thats an overexageration but whatever I don't care you get what I mean.

Alright. I'm gonna nap. I don't know what else to blog about, other than the fact that I have this headache that keeps coming and going and coming and going. And this stomach ache that isn't really a stomach ache but it is? Yeah, I don't even make sense to myself.

song for the moment: I'm not sick but i'm not well.

Memoir.

Day 7.

I think I have an alarm clock set to 3 am in my head. For some reason, all the pills that they give me to go to bed aren't strong enough to knock me out for more than 5 hours. So I always find myself, waking up at 3, or around that time, blood pressure going through the roof, for no reason. You wold think they would give me something to calm me down, but no. They give me nothing. The meds I take before I go to sleep is 16 mg of rozerem. They used to have me on trazadone but it didn't work for me. If you know anything about insomnia, you would think that trazadone would knock me right out. Hahaha, unfortunately my sleep pattern doesn't want to work with that. Sure the meds help and all, I mean at least I do fall asleep, but waking up at 3 and not being able to fall back asleep is a pain.
They have a recipe here, its called magic milk. Its suppose to help the "children falls dead asleep". Its pretty much just sugar, vanilla extract and milk though. And no, that also doesn't work on me, but it is pretty yummy. Thats what I ordered this morning, right when I woke up. I pressed the little red call button to get a nurse, and politely asked for some magic milk. Unfortunately it took them a half hour to get it. Why? I don't know, but for some reason I had the patience to wait. I usually don't have patience however. But in the middle of the night, my mind was calm and set together. Eventually I fell back asleep, say around 5 or so. Woke back up at 7 in the morning. Cleaned my room, talked to my nurse, put in my extenstions, put on my make-up [even though i don't need it here] and ate breakfast. Then came group, which is pretty much us talkin about "your goals for the day" and "how you're feeling". I think doing this is pointless. Especially for today. I have no goals. They given me every worksheet in this place and I've done it all. If only I worked this hard at school...hahah. Anyways though, the other day, they gave me 3 surveys on eating disorders. I KNOW. I'VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT. AND NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!

Stress. I must go outside now, its "group" time. Ugh.

Question for Friday

What kind and good thing will you do for the world and for yourself this weekend and what motivates that choice?

Hmm.. I'm gonna go on a pass for a few hours with my family, meaning I finally get to leave this nuthouse for a bit. The goal is to be positive, not have some weird freak anxiety attack, stay calm, use my coping tools [weird, i'm talkin about coping tools] if i start developing ideations of bad..thoughts... and uhm... YEAH! I don't know. I really hope nothing bad happens this weekend though. AND I GET THE RESULTS ON MY PSYCH TESTS TODAY! Not really something for me to be all excited about though, right? WRONG. I'm interested in what the computer has to say about my mind and my inner being. I will most definitely blog about it when I recieve the results though.

Back to the question however, the motivation to make this choice [coping and etc] is the more i get myself together, the faster i get out of here. And as weird as this may sound, I really don't wanna miss school anymore. I mean, I know were almost done and everything but I really REALLY want to come back. I need some structure in my life. For the past few months its been so out of wack. I go to school, then I dont, then I end up in the hospital, then I go to school, then I get into a fight, then I go back to the hospital. Its definitely a cycle I don't want to keep myself in. Sure, everyone needs a lil spice in their life. But I wouldn't exactly call this spice, this is more of a...hmm... tornado? OH EVEN BETTER. TYPHOON! or a TSUNAMI!

Normal. I want Normal.

THAT STUPID FLICKR

I
AM
REALLY
FRUSTRATED
WITH THIS
RIGHT NOW.

okay, so I thought I had an account on flickr already. But apparently not. So I made a new one, but now its saying I already had an account and all the pictures I just favorited [I don't really have any from my personal collection to add from because I'm not at home and I don't exactly have access to a scanner here] disappeared! I'm FURIOUS. So Instead. I'm just gonna upload pictures on here. Because Its simple and Easy. And LESS COMPLICATED.

I'm sorry becky but flickr pisses me off.



thats a picture from when i was in the philippines from a long time ago. hahah

thats my cousin jun jun, not really a picture that shows a lot but whateves its still a picture from the philippines. I think I'm in the parking ramp of some hotel somewhere downtown in Manila.

Series of Professions

Hmm... Now what does the young Christina Lucht have in mind for a profession in her future?

I wanna be a

• doctor
• waitress
• psycho analyst
• drummer for a band
• writer
• journalist
• reporter
• tv news anchor
• actress
• model
• translator
• C.I.A. operative

uhm... yeah.

As far as how much money they make, if I were to work for any of those jobs, I would suspect to be paid the most as a C.I.A. operative. How else am I gonna get the funding to get all that cool gadget stuff? Hahah, OH I can also be one of those drag racers and get paid by winning. That would be awesome. As far as salary goes though, I think I should get paid pretty highly for all of them. I wouldn't mind being a bartender. They seem like they make good money just by pooring drunks shots and listening to their sob stories [or so i'm told].

$500,000 a year. Thank you very much, please.

Memoir

Heh, maybe I can pull a Susanna Kaysen and write about my journey here in the psych ward. Alright, I understand. The word "psych" does seem a bit intimidating. But honestly, my stay here has been quite...interesting. You can't really make "best friends" here because people come and go like no other. And if you do make a really good friend, you better find a way to keep in touch with them because people from all over the place come to this hospital. I feel like I'm breaking the whole "confidentiality rule", so I'm gonna rename a bunch of things just to throw you off track a little bit.



Day 6:

Today, I was brought into the psyciatrist's room to take a few tests. It was nothing too big, or out of the usual, just the MAP, MMPI, and general testing. You're probably wondering what those first two are. Well, quite frankly they're pretty much the same test, except the MMPI is about 400 questions long and the MAP is about 100 or so. What exactly do the test determine though? Well for me, its for the doctors to determine exactly what the hell is wrong with me. Since the doctors can't observe me 24 hours a day, they make you take a test to see whats making you "tick". What makes me tick? Well I'm no sociopath or a borderline [which by the way takes a year to diagnose, I've done the research.] but I am depressed, I do have a major anxiety problem, and apparently I am also "manic". Manic what? Manic depressive? Manic bi-polar? Manic what?! I wish I knew but this is just the information I've gathered so far. The test results haven't come back yet and I probably won't know for a few days or so about the matter.
As far as friends go, I'm doing pretty fine. All I have to do is make sure I don't get too close to anyone, because before you know it they're gone. Vanished. I mean, the average stay here is only 5-7 days, which feels like eternitiy by the way. But its really not that bad. Well, okay maybe I'm being too nice, it is that bad. Anyways! Friends. Yeah, don't make any here, they're all completely gone and out of their minds. I really don't know what else to say about it. Even the nurses are insane. It kinda works out though because everyone has come together to figure things out. Some who were voluntary like myself, and others who were forced here by their "delusional" parents. Confusion. My current state of mind is confusion. Has been for a while now. But thats what the "rest" is for. Thats why I'm here. To not be confused, to not feel so fucked up inside, to get "better", whatever that is.

Hmm... someone who has past away?

Does "past away" have to be in a physical sense or can it be metaphorical? 'Cause people do change, they can either change into nasty, selfish and absurd human beings or they can just physically die. Well... I guess it doesn't exactly matter whatsoever though right?

Lets see, the only person I can think of who has physically died is my cousin. I wasn't exactly close with her though, because when she passed away I was about 5 or so. As for dying in a metaphorical sense, I would have to say my ex. For many reasons that I truly wish to not speak about.

Its dreadful thinking about the past though. Thats all they want to focus about here at the hospital. "What got you here?" "What are significant events in your life that have influenced you to change in such a dramatic way?" "Blah blah blah you have problems and its all in the past now" You would think that being here they would want to focus on the now, the present, instead of the past. The past is nothing but regret for me. At least over the past few weeks thats what it seems like. Bleh. I'm losing my train of thought. new blog.

Why Why Why Why Why

So I glanced at the pictures Gavin took of me a from over a week ago. My head is currently spinning at the moment. I'm currently sitting here at the Mayo Clinic, actually Saint Mary's Hospital which is connected to the Mayo Clinic [its where all the famous screw ups go, hahahahah] because I made a very very bad decision on thursday. I know this blog however doesn't make sense, but being here doesn't make sense. The objective of my stay here at the hospital is to focus on myself [whatever the hell that means] and to figure out who I really am. Over the past 7 years I've been a user of drugs and alcohol. After I stopped using however, I fell into a trecherous relationship. This relationship pretty much consumed my life. It was very hard and tore me up emotionally and physically. So now I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly who I am.

My name is Christina May Lucht
I'm 17 years old
I used to be a party girl
I used to be a follower of falling in love
but who am I now?
I'm pissed. Thats who I am now.
I'm an angry person for ever letting someone come into my life and eat me from the inside out.
My dad tells me I have a big heart, thats why i'm hurting so bad. But you know what, I would prefer to not have a heart and just be a cold hearted bitch. Falling in love is a fallacy. Everyone precieves it as like, some great thing. Well you know what, from my goddamn experiences, Romance is Misery. Romance being a word for "falling in love". I hate this concept. I hate it.
Maybe i'm just saying this because I got my heart broken, once again.

How many times do you have to get your heart broken till something good comes out of it?
Meh, "Only time could tell..."

I wanna go home. I wish I was home. I wish nothing ever happened. I wish I wasn't sick. I wish everything would go back to normal. Screw this.

Wiki Wiki Wiki

Defining Wiki:

Wiki (also known as Project Wiki and Wiki: Master of Tales) is a MMORPG published by Webzen Games Inc. that was intended to be released in 2006.



Thats the definition google gave me just about 3.4 seconds ago.





Monday; Something or Someone you admire from your childhood:

Topic: Furby



Tuesday; A career path or subject you want to persue professionally

Topic: Psycho-analyst. aka. I wanna study the minds of serial killers



Wednesday; Some kind of spirituality, school of thought or religion that has influenced your thinking.

Topic: Agnostic?



Thursday: A beloved author, musician or artist.

Topic: Trent Reznor



Friday; Your Choice

Topic: Charles Manson

Uhm... becky... I still got a lot of research on this project and I know you're frustrated about people not doing this so I'm gonna try my best to do it :D

Best and Worst thing about Summer

Best: Hot weather
Worst: I don't exactly know what to expect, especially under the conditions that I landed myself back in the hospital

Hot weather is nice, I love laying out in the sun and absorbing it. Also getting skin cancer, I absolutely just love it! Hahah

As for not knowing what to expect, I feel that life is full of surprises. I'm not at liberty to state what landed me back into the hospital but I will say this. It took me over 9 months to realize how much time I wasted on a boy who wasn't gonna give me the time of day. It took me that long, and I risked my own life finding out that answer. So as for Summer, I hope it brings good luck for me, cause God knows I need it.

Station 37

I was placed in station 37 at abbott northwestern hospital. I had a roommate named Lexi who was schizophrenic. Since we were watching Fight Club the day before I entered the hospital, I made a guess to see if the person in her head was named Tyler. She said I was right. I didn't know if I should believe her anymore now based on that statement, because after I asked about her conscience I told her that her name should be Jack. She then said that people called her that and forced herself to believe I was psychic. Honestly, I thought she was fake. She made up her inner being to help herself get away from everything. Some people like to do stupid things to put themselves into a "safer" environment. I'm not going to lie, staying at station 37 was a break, a good break at that, in my life. I needed it, but however- rooming with Lexi was interesting a tad bit scary. She would talk in her sleep, saying she wasn't fat and she wasn't ugly. Then she would have back and forth conversations with herself about numerous random topics. I thought I was going crazy, I barely got any sleep, I couldn't eat, and I wanted to leave. Well, I wanted to leave the room. I was there for a week. But it was by far the most interesting week of my life. I learned a lot about myself and well being. I learned to control my anxiety and my depression. Coping tools to help with my problems.

The unfortunate thing is, I want to go back. The stress is starting to get to me again, and I don't know how long I can take it. Thinking about it is making me breath heavily. Don't you ever wish you could just go away for a while, space yourself from everyone and everything and just be by yourself? I feel like this all the time. I try to distract myself from trying to be antisocial. So I force myself to converse with others to make people believe theres nothing wrong.

The other night I was balling my eyes out. I came to realize that I'm actually a terrible person. I'm a terrible daughter and have put my parents through hell, I manipulate people to get my way, I use people and dump them after they get old, I only think about myself or Rob. These thoughts really got to my head, and I felt like my world was spinning. This made me want to go back to the hospital. Is there something wrong with me? I always ask myself this question. Why? Because I just don't understand myself or why I do the things I do sometimes.

I used to question why people would cut themselves. I always thought it was just an attention getter and to show that they're "emo" and that it was a trend. But then one day. I tried it. My medications made me feel emotionless. I looked at my wrist and questioned myself "can i do this?" I lit a cigarette, grabbed a razor blade, opened it to get the actual blade out and started slicing away. I didn't feel anything. I was bleeding, but I didn't feel anything. I couldn't cry, because there was nothing to cry about, I couldn't scream because I didn't need help. I just wanted to feel.

fight club written assignment.

I am Tina's aorta, filling up with stressed blood, living without oxygen as the pressure rises.

Point of view from my lungs;
They clench up from time to time. Anxiety usually gets the best of me. I suffocate, cough, trying to get air into my lungs. I should probably quit smoking. I should probably quit a lot of things.

I feel that Jack does the whole personification with his body parts because it gives the audience something to think about. I mean, seriously now. "I am Jack's colon" "I am cancer, I kill Jack". Its stuff like this that just makes you think. The personification used seems somewhat metaphorical in a sense that its Jack's inner being Tyler who is speaking.

Composition of material objects;

• cell phone
• car
• guitar hero
• drum sticks
• cigarettes
• gum
• lighter
• wallet
• id
• change
• pen
• paper
• hair extensions
  

well, cell phone is to communicate, car is for transportation, guitar hero and drum sticks fall into the category of making me happy, cigarettes and the lighter is just essential for my mental needs, the wallet, id, and change go hand in hand. the pen and paper are used to help with getting information if needed. And the hair extensions and gum are just... plain life.

Statements and messages from the film about materialism and freedom;
You're never free from yourself. In this story, Tyler Durden, or Jack, are never "free" from themselves. Materialism plays a huge role because Jack formed his life around everything he bought. He thought that buying worthless,meaningless things would make his life more "complete", when it actually did nothing. Freedom on the other hand came as a role in the film by getting rid of the materialism that piled up in Jack.

Tyler said "You are not your job or your possessions. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.”.

That quote right there explains that you must first free yourself before committing yourself to complete freedom.

Wonderful by Everclear.

I'm posting this song up because I feel that it will help people be happy. Enjoy.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Motivation Proclaimation

Vexing.

I don't really care much for the whole critiquing and etc. I mean I'll say whats on my mind but not much thought really goes into it if you know what I mean. I found out that its easier to just not care about others opinions on yourself. Everything that someone says to me about my self appearance or my work or anything of that matter usually goes in one ear and out the other. It varies on people, some people pay too much attention to what others have to say. But really, it shouldn't really matter. UNLESS if its advice that will help you progress in whatever your doing. But if its somethin like negative criticism, then I just say "forgetahboutit". Lifes too short to be caring about your impression on people. Do what you want. Live your life.

What my parents have taught me in life.

Well lets see, I'm gonna start off with my father. My father taught me that I should give love to everyone and always be generous when it comes to things. On the other hand with my mother, she pretty much taught me how to be crazy and that I should scream and yell to get what I want. I wouldn't exactly say that is the greatest thing my mother has taught me but I will say that it works for me. Hhahahah.

Growing up in a biracial family isn't weird. Well at least not to me. The character traits I've received from my parents are the ones that counts towards what is the greatest thing they have taught me.

The Little Things; WIKI IT UP TIMEEE

THE HELL DOES WIKI MEAN?!?!?:
Wiki (also known as Project Wiki and Wiki: Master of Tales) is a MMORPG published by Webzen Games Inc. that was intended to be released in 2006.

[google gave me this answer]

unfortunately wikipedia won't let me create an account due to the ip address i'm currently using.
i will try again later and update this post.

IM IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD

who ever knew that listening to some good charlotte would put a gal like myself into a good mood.

dooodoo girls don't like boys girls like cars and MOONEEEYYYYY

blah. anyways. I'm back at school and i'm in a really good mood. Its probably the medicine finally starting to kick in, but meh, i'll never know. Dinner theater is tonight, I'm thinking about going but I have to go to aftercare around 6 and yaddie yadda ya.

Blah. BLAH. I'm in a really BLAH mood right now. And I also have a small crush on ben. muwahhahah


damn. okay. i'm gonna resume my apex work. and pretty much everything else.
OH AND I THINK I WANNA GET A STAR TREK TATTOO THAT SAYS LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! alright.

i'm being random. whatever. hahahah

I'm not one for keepin privacy on my life.

As you may have noticed, i haven't been at school for the past week. I will say that I had a major anxiety attack on tuesday which led me to having suicidal ideations. I was sent to Abbott Northwestern and am current inpatient there as of now. The only reason I'm blogging at this moment is because I'm on my 8 hour pass. That basically means that I get to be out and about for the time being till I return back to the hospital. 

My discharge however is tomorrow, my birthday. My stay at the hospital has been a good experience, I've seen and learned a lot about myself and others. And yes, I do find it very coincidental that I came here right after watching Girl, Interrupted. Hahah. I'm doing better now, and I will try my best to come to school as much as possible, unless they put me in outpatient which is most likely. 

I'm sorry for the troubles. Thank you.

Post secret.

Uhm.... I having a hard time understanding the concept of this website. Its like.. A bunch of pictures, with deep meanings behind it.

SCENTSSSSSS

mmm.... scents.


Lets see, what scents are powerful in my life?

I know one thing, Escada. I love Escada. Its been my favorite perfume since 7th grade. Everytime something bad, or terrible or amazing has happened to me, I was wearing Escada for every second of it. Unfortunately i'm all out of it. I should probably go back and buy me some, but if only it didn't cost like 75 bucks for like 10 ounces. ugh.

pre-girl interrupted thoughts worksheet

To your way of thinking, how do you define sanity? What does sanity look like?

Sanity. Sane. The opposite of insane. The definition of insane is afflicted with or characteristic of mental derangement. This could only mean that sane is the complete opposite. In my opinion, defining sanity is just as much saying that you're pretty much not crazy, or mentally deranged.

I don't think sanity can look like anything. Human beings are easily fooled. You think you know someone, but the next thing you do know is that they're some psycho serial killer.

In contrast to that, what does insanity look like? Sound like? Act Like?

Pretty much just look at my first answer to answer this question. In a fish bowl though, I would say that insanity is pure craziness. Hectic. Psychotic. Mentally unstable. What does it sound like? It sounds like hell. What does it act like? Insanity is the act of delinquency of the mind. You do things, but you don't exactly know why. Impulsiveness.

Does our society demonize insanity? Or, does our society seem to revel in and make celebrities out of people struggling with mental illness?

Our society is corrupted. We make entertainment out of other people's sorrow for our pure enjoyment. I want to say that demonizing is the same as making fun of people's pain. It seems that no one has sympathy anymore. We are all just.. just... insensitive towards people's actions and etc.

What personal struggles or challenges are often partnered with mental illness?

Depression. Its considered a major mental illness. Especially in America. The struggles that come along with depression are usually the things that helped sparked it, enabled the mental illness. Examples would be such as the falling economy, or maybe a break up in a relationship, or even family issues.

In your own life, how have you known or experienced mental illness?

I'm not one to lie, but I don't want to brag either. I'm depressed. I have anxiety attacks. Sometimes it feels like I can't feel. Oxymoron right? Take it more in a metaphorical sense. I've experienced many things, I have a tendency of becoming exceptionally emotional. I have mental break downs, I think of the worst too much. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I've always been told to be prepared for the worst. But what if the worst hits you when you least expect it? And thats when you break down your interior and become a different, less of a person.

How has your generation been influenced by medical interventions for depression?

I wanna say that everyones screwed in the head now. Decades ago you would never hear anything about this. Ever. But now it seems like its the only topic of conversation. Its absolutely ridiculous.

I really don't know why i keep getting these random bursts of headaches. Every time i get up my head pounds for about, i dont know like 5 minutes, and then goes away as if it nothing ever happened. I was trying to think of answers why my head was doing this, [yes i've been watching too much house lately]. And this is what I came up with.

• Dehydration
• Concussion
• Deprived of sleep
• Nutrient depletion
  

Yeah... I'm pretty sure theres more reason. But I'm too lazy to think of them.

Crikey.

Mothers day, first times, blood drive.

Mother's day was alright for me. I saw star trek, had some eggs, went to church for the first time in forever. Yeah, it was alright. Honestly, i'm really a huge fan of those random holidays. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tryin to sound selfish here but its just not my tango. Star trek on the other hand... AMAZING. Seriously, like i thought it was gonna be some weird ass trekkie movie. But from the beginning to the end it was just freakin non stop action. And i dig that kind of stuff. Action is LIFE.

First times... hmm... Lets see. I remember the first time I got the training wheels off my bike when i was like 4. I was on it, and I was just like "yo mom. get this stuff off mah bike fammo" and she was like "mkaaaaay". And I did it.

Alright, it didn't exactly go like that, but its pretty much what happened. Gah.


AND THAT STUPID BLOOD DRIVE. I look like a goddamn junkie now because they screwed my veins up so bad. My right arm looks like some requiem for a dream shit. And my left arm is just bruised up as a mothaf***er. Hahah, I thought you might like the bleeping up the cuss words. hahha

Smart Went Crazy

So I'm sitting here in apex, just being random and procrastinating. Looking through shirts and I found this one.

Its a unicorn riding through a storm. You kinda have to know the song to understand the shirt i guess... hahah

SIDNEY BOSTON

I KNOW WHO SIDNEY LIKES MNUWHAHAHAHAHWHWHWHMWUSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMQUWUWAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHDFKDKDKAGLIGIRFIKDFKAMWMIUWHAHAHAHAHHA

Question of the day: What do you dream about? How do you interpret those dreams? Or, how do you tackle insomnia and sleepless nights? I ended up getting up and finishing a book:) but I'll pay for that later today when all I want is a nap.

I wish I could tell you what I dream about but for me I only day dream. When I actually fall asleep I can never remember what I had a dream about when I wake up. As for insomnia and sleepless nights, I can definitely relate to this. I don't know what it is these days, but my mind is just going wacko tacko on me. Why? well, problems. Stupid itty bitty problems that screw everything up and blah blah blah.

I should probably finish the pelican brief. Death.

Post-Film Girl, Interrupted.

Angelina Jolie received an Academy Award for her role as Lisa in this film. Describe why you think she merited this acting achievement.

Its obvious enough that Angelina would be the perfect actress to play the crazy/wild girl in a movie. I feel that she uses method acting, where you become your character. Even though Winona Ryder's character was the main person in this story, the supporting role of Lisa would out beat Kayson any day.

How does Kaysen's memoir differ from the tone and personality of the movie's Kaysen?

Well, the memoir itself seems darker than the movie just by a tad bit. But I can see how the narration in the movie can compare to tone in the memoir. In my opinion, I feel that reading shows more personality than a movie overall. Its just how it works.

What characters form the memoir were fleshed out in the film? How were they developed or changed? Please select two characters:

Lisa; In the book, she seemed a bit more toned down. They portrayed her in the movie as some ridiculously insane, wild child. Which is what she is, in the least bit. But they just over exaggerated her character to probably get the audiences feed off it.

Jim Watson; Is Jim suppose to be Toby? I didn't really understand this. Jim is set up to be a grand ol' Nobel Prize winner smartass. And Toby is enlisted in the arm. The only reason why I connected to the two characters to begin with was because of the whole "lets get Kayson and get the hell out of here". Toby wants to go to Canada, and Jim wants to go to Europe. For both, however, Kayson rejects them and feels that shes better off staying at the institution.

The memoir, to me, reads like Susanna still lives her life very much in isolation. In the film, the girls bond and create friendships, however tenuous. Which situation is more realistic or likely? Why do you think the film developed these relationships for us to view.

Well this depends on the what exactly do you mean by situation. I do feel that a relationship developing between Lisa and Susanna can happen. Opposites attract, and they in fact are complete opposites. But at the same time, they are very similar. Now in the film, Susanna developed a sexual/physical attraction towards one of the guards at the institution. This shows her promiscuity, which can be related to her attraction to the English teacher. Now this I'm not really too sure of its likeliness of happening. I mean we all hear about relationships between teachers and students. But in a everyday matter, I believe the chances of this happening is very slim.

The film contextualizes Daisy's death very differently from the memoir. Why do you think this was done? Is there ever someone to "blame" when it comes to suicide?

The reason why Daisy's death was different from the memoir was mainly due to movie action. It was a dramatic scene, and its easy to blame someone for someone else's action. But in my opinion I feel that there usually is no one to blame. Blaming someone isn't going to bring them back. Now people surrounding the person committing suicide can be a contributing factor, although it isn't like someone put a gun to their head and told them to commit suicide.

Girl, Interrupted; Written Assessment

What do you think is the significance of the title? Connect the title to at least two of the characters in the story:

Girl, Interrupted... Over the years, for decades and centuries the male and female species are stereotyped. Men are characterized as being workers, making the money, etc etc. Females are characterized as staying at home and keeping sane. I feel that if the title alone were to just say "Girl", it would only satisfy the fact that this was a story about a girl. By adding the word
"Interrupted" though, shows that maybe, just maybe, this story might be about a crazy girl. Maybe crazy is a tad bit strong, but its the truth.
This title obviously connects to the main character, Susanna Kayson, on many different levels. Kayson is perceived as average looking until you see through all the bullshit and notice this girl is anything but normal. Another character from the story that could connect to this would be Polly. I know most people might say Lisa, but Lisa was always insane. As for Polly, she did something dramatic and it ended up interfering with her whole life.

Think of a time when you felt outside of yourself. Describe what prompted that experience and what you observed from that experience:

Out-of-body experiences. I've been having a lot of these lately. But they usually only arise when I have a flashback to something. Its pretty much a dream in the least bit, but instead of seeing it through my eyes, I see the process as a whole. For example, I was thinking about the conflicts and arguments between my friends and I that happened in the past. But in these thoughts, its like a playback, but a playback of something totally different. Its hard to put into words though. Lets say you were thinking about a conversation you had with someone in the past. Now for me, its like that, but remembering the conversation i take up something different. By that I mean I say the things I didnt say to see a different out come.
Talking about this subject makes me feel crazy. Meh.

What character is trapped in a physical body scarred by her suicide attempt? Why was she envied, even admired by the author.

Simple, her name is Polly. She was envied because of the whole scar tissue concept. The idea that scar tissue has no characteristics. It doesn't age, theres no pores, no hair, nothing. Its just a cape to cover over the person that you really are.

What is it about Lisa that makes her dynamic and intriguing:

She just doesn't care for anything in the world. She's eccentric and complicated. I find that people draw themselves to these types of characteristics in people. Why? Because its different. Human beings are curious by nature. When something seems off, we want to know why. And then as for the people like Lisa, they're just there to have a good time. She might be insane, but shes a genius at the same time. Knows what she wants and is unpredictable at the same time.

Do you think that the relationship Kayson had with her English teacher was the catalyst for her mental illness? Why or Why not?:

The relationship that Kayson had with her English teacher was nothing but physical attraction. Obviously her teacher was a dumbass for even trying to engage in something of that sort to begin with, but thats just my opinion on the situation. I do believe that maybe her affair with the English teacher might be a contributing factor towards the matter but I do not believe it was the main catalyst for her mental illness. Kayson was diagnose with borderline personality disorder. What exactly is that anyways? Well borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with relationships and self-worth. People with this disorder often have other problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse. Its pretty much something that has always been there. What sparks it? No one really knows, but we do know it exists.

How did Georgina respond to the caramel incident?

She just stood there, as if nothing happened. Showed no pain, no sign of nothing. She just stood. Maybe Georgina just doesn't show signs of having physical pain even though she endures them.

Describes Kayson's views on suicide. In what way do the reveal both sanity and madness?
Sanity; Suicide is pre-meditated murder. Or to just debate on the topic of they can actually do it or not do it.
Madness; motive to kill herself was inspired after not writing an American history paper.

She makes good points on suicide. But the idea of suicide in general is just ridiculous.

Uhhhh.... Trip to here and there?

I'm pretty sure I wanna visit Makati again. Makati is probably the COOLEST place ever. Mainly because its in the Philippines, and its just cheaper to travel there, but yeah!

my flickr page is http://www.flickr.com/people/tinalucht/

and no, theres nothing on it yet. but i will upload photos.

I just finished reading the girl,interrupted story

And its true, movies and books are never the same. And the books are always better than the movies. Meh, I wish movies we're on par with the books, especially this one. I thought it was pretty cool that Kaysen had the original papers from her stay at the hospital. I'm not exactly sure how that would play out in a movie, but it was cool.

Make Up

This topic is actually pretty interesting. I was just talkin about how I hate wearing make up earlier. But its just so unfortunate that people like to hid themselves under cake to make them feel good about theirselves. Thus the word "make-up". Making up who you are, to improve a better you. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes i wear make up just for the hell of it. But nothing too over done. Simple eyeliner is usually all i need.

A month or so ago, I went to the MAC store with Damien because he wanted me to get a make-over. Honestly, I thought I looked like a prostitute. Too much make up on my face is just bleh. I like being natural. But sometimes without make up I can look dead. I should probably engage myself into getting more sleep, but whats the point in sleeping if your mind doesn't stop going?

Marriage.

I've gone through many phases in the past 16.9 years of my life where I went from hating the idea of marriage to only thinking about marriage. I kind of want to blame movies about marriage and relationships and what not. In example, He's Just Not That Into You. I haven't read the book, but I did see the movie. And it really got me thinkin about all of this kind of stuff. I will say this though, marriage can ruin relationships. I've seen it happen over and over, all the time. And I'm sure a lot of people can come to agree with me, which is why people wanna avoid it. Like my best friends mom for instance. She doesn't want to marry her boyfriend because she's been married before and saw how it can screw things up. I just feel that maybe the whole labeling a relationship gets to peoples heads. You feel that you have new obligations in life, when honestly getting married is just saying that he/she is your wife/husband. Nothing changes, at least in my perspective.

We are all told that being in a marriage, is like an anchor tying you down to the floor. We're told that it holds you back from doing most things. But seriously, its only like that if you make it to be so. Not a hard concept to understand. If people would stop thinking about all the wrongs that could happen in labeling a relationship into a marriage, then people would stop bitchin and dickin around. And now i'm blabbering and losing my train of thought. Stupid facebook, stupid cold.

Girl, Interrupted.

I've been in a "obsessed with Angelina Jolie" mood lately, which led me to goin on a rampage of buying all her best movies. This including Girl, Interrupted. Although she is a supporting character in this film, she is the best actress fitted for her role. Her costars includes Winona Ryder, Clea DuVall, Brittany Murphy, Woopi Goldberg, and Jared Leto. Now the story over all is about Susanna Kaysen's (Winona Ryder's character) 18 month long stay and a mental institution. Throughout this time period, she develops a better understanding of herself and learns to grow. She becomes good friends with her inmates. Especially Lisa (played by Angelina Jolie), who can be characterized as a sociopath without a soul.

The movie itself is a bit of a mind twister. Starting from the beginning, theres always short little flashbacks that go on during Susanna Kaysen's thoughts. But because of the flashbacks, it helps the audience understand a bit more about Susanna's situation. Now how exactly did Susanna even land in an institution? She seemed perfectly fine, just a tad bit more independent than the rest of the girls back in the 60's. Well, unfortunately, chasing a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka counts more towards being crazy instead of average. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay at a hospital for a week or two, just to see if I can meet some of the same people Susanna met. There was a main group of girls that she particularly hung out with. This would include Lisa, who was a bit more of the leader of the group. Very intimidating and very demanding of her needs and wants. Then theres Polly, a girl who burned herself at the age 10 just to get rid of a rash. Georgina on the other hand is Susanna's roommate. She is considered a pathological liar, but only lies to the people who keep her in the institution just so she can stay longer. And then theres Daisy. Theres not much to say about Daisy without actually giving anything away, so i'll just leave it at that.

I believe that James Mangold did an amazing job setting up this crew. The direction the movie had was believable and felt very close to heart. The cast for this movie was outstanding and I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone who wants to see a bit more wilder side of life. Not trying to say that this is actually what a mental institution is like now, but just the overall thought that maybe there is a bit more to life than death.

My Achilles Heel

Waiting. Thats my achilles heel. Pathetic right? I know. My greatest downfall is falling. Once I hit rock bottom, theres no thought in my mind that i know how the hell i'm gonna reach back up. I was once told that time is the best medicine. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world. I'm more of a "instant gratification" kind of gal. If it doesn't happen right away, I become angry and anxious. I was looking at the characteristics of my horoscope the earlier today, to help give me inspiration for this topic. This is what I found:



Taurus; [mental attitude excerpt from sajilo.com]

You have lots of patience and can withstand great hardships. But when provoked beyond limits, you become wild with rage and no power can withstand you.
Taureans are quite conservative and have a strong will power. They also show signs of laziness.
You cannot be deceived into doing anything that you do not want to.

Yeah, no patience at all.

Horoscopes ARE DECIEVINGGGGG.

i keep dickin around

i'm sittin here today, staring blankly at this computer.
tryin to gather myself, figuring out the things i gotta do
i was sick on friday but now i'm doing better
but now i'm behind on everything and i'm starting to feel sicker.
its not the thought of doin homework thats bothering me the most
its just the simple fact that i ain't got the focus
my minds in different place, not even in my head
so i'm just gonna keep on staring till i fall asleep in my bed.

And my last song for beauty.

Voé !!(1..2..3..4..5..1..2..3..4..5)
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me

On my fifth day, my day off a month early,
the early work is the big bite by little birdie
the early bird is chased and caught by the cat
watch your back little bird,
because I’m up from my nap
yes, I got a cable TV, and I got a cable mic
its only got (1) channel, but the reception is tight
I’m flying by the seat of my pants,
so at the end of the night, your records come alive
and beg for the daylight.
(5) miles away my brothers in his room
playing games like star craft
burning other people to flames
and likewise, right here, right now
the show of aggression (5) fingers,
(1) My next lesson, the session gets deeper
follow me through, I brought my pen and pad
and just a little inspiration, to guide you with,
you can just listen and learn
itchin the burn, vision for the rhythm
were given them to return 
sayin:

[Chorus]
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me

1...2…3…4…5

1…2…3..4…5

Wake up, its early morning, get dressed,
turn on my radio, another beautiful day,
in my neighbourhood,
since the mornings when I’m mostly inspired,
though I’m still a bit tired, I write,
because I’m feeling like the flavours good
Saturday was yesterday, last week
and nothings open now except for coffee shops,
which really aint my style
I smile as I writing, this world is still asleep
its just me and the sun,
and we’re conversin for a while
now its (5) 50 (5), in the early on
the shadow, on my lawn become the midget welder
sun moves along
a little bit more hustle as I nod to my neighbours
they have no idea, they gon be in this song
they’re cool, still the dopest person out there
my mother, she accepts me for my rapping
as if rapping was my lover,
and she, she accepts me for my rappin of course
because Bart needs inspiration, needs a source
don’t blink at (5) D M on this day
I’m driving by and drivin away, tryin to say
that my throat hurts, I’m all talk
and really no work and
everybodys at the writing callin feelings adjourn
so what doesn’t make you wince now
can only make you better  
we’d all be better swimmers if the world was really wetter
the moral of the story is to remain untold
it never really ends
it just twists and unfolds
sayin:

[Chorus]
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
(x 4)

Here's another song for Beauty.

Gold and crimson tinged, flittering leaves litter the streets
Sitting beneath the trees, she sleeps innocently
Didn't believe that a being so beautiful flew this low
Using slumber to stun others with features almost musical
And when her low notes, my soul hopes for something more than friendly
When her golden notes hit other folks, I feel close to envy
I'd never wake her, but if the slumber ever ceases
I would rouse her with my kisses and tussle with her demons
Seemingly familiar even though I know I've never met her
Like I send a dream in a letter to heaven and it sent her
Went
Word
Sent word to others
There's a lover, never met, yet she's sleeping in my covers
There ain't no others, count the rubbers up to prove it
Don't want to be the nuisance always asking, "Wanna do it?"
I'd run through it
Shoot, my lingua's always fluent
And even if our paths don't cross, I know our wants are congruent
So pursue it incessantly
Her exceptional essence and presence is testing my sensory, incessantly
Does destiny beckon me to set next to thee, indefinitely
"Yes," says the memories, incessantly
Then with the best of me, let it be
To quest for the recipe
To wrestle the delicate thread imbedded in the chest of she
So string-heart heads to me
Yes indeed
Let's proceed
Sensibly, in depth, pensively, yet intensely

She made my heartsprings stretch screams like guitar string-fret swing sets
Yet she still left when chills crept through the treble clefs
Better get another pump bolted in, it broke again
It's housings are rusted, it's only tin


June '93, rock-a-bye baby
Waking up out of the tree
Was she smiling at me?
(Who?)
Me with the hat back, knapsack, no tact
Told her I watched her sleep and read her my amorous raps
She loved that, a pleasant surprise
Then she went with whatever like a drink and some fries
All right Ms. Honey B. Devine
She offered me a ride, and yet we ended up talking all night
The reason why
You know the steelo
Summer of the Skee-o, the way a brother speak low
Yo, I'm not endorsing no reckless endangering
But I ran out of condoms like a modern Wilt Chamberlain
Check the hussle
Send a shrug towards the struggle
Listerine and Al Green to squeeze a fuck out of a cuddle
But stuck out of the huddle whenever my friends swoop through
I say, "You're barking up the wrong tree"
They say, "She duped you"
Who, you mean my boo?
You're just mad 'cuz she don't like you
Snapping at what I have, that's the damage of spite, fool
Take a bite, dude
You ain't even got the plums that I do
Go write a haiku and talk about all that's inside you
Boy, was I cool
'Til the lightning strike split the divining tool that led my eyes to
the tree of life inside of you
It withered and died too soon
A little each time you pruned the beautiful side of truth by lying about
who else was laying beside you

Here's a song for beauty.

Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
What would it take to make a women like you
You a wolf like me for what I really might be
Listening to the lyrics only heres what I allow
You gotta try and make me testify for here and right now
Lets have a confrontation over a cold one
I'll give you conversation just to see if you can hold em
I play so dumb
Because I know some of these star struck small talk art fucks is no fun
I'm the blood type that goes straight for the guns
Like before you even spoke already knew what your loves like
So what you thinking?
Because I'm thinking we should jump into your ocean
Let's go girl this ship is sinking

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
Now there's no reason to lie, I've had a lot of lovers
In my reality its impossible to avoid it
But theres one reason for life gotta provide some supper
Gonna build a family just to watch some one destroy it
Do you really think you really wana get to know me better
Don't you see the drama
Don't you feel the pressure
Don't get me wrong it would be my pleasure
To sing a song that could remove your shoes and your sweater
Bartender let me get a shot of bean
Cause this girl over here is trying to get me out my jeans
And she doesn't seem to believe i'm just another thief
Came to take a piece and make you stutter when you breath

Now girl you to smart to be a tour mark

Set to play correct from the start with your pure heart
And when your all alone ill sing into your phone
If you don't know the words you can make up your own

The first time she met the devil was at first avenue
Went back stage with him into the dressing room
Sexy ego trip
Taller than expected
About six foot three
Seemed to thrive on his misery
Critical observant big words
Sweaty hair sunken eyes and thick nerves
She said ill make em smile for the simple fact that he needs it
I'll make him smile just so I can kill it an eat it

You look like you were built for me
You talk like you want to steal my drink
You kiss like you already came
And that's a lift to pull a line for those with out any game

It's like damn baby
You know you can't save me
But you should still tell your people that your leaving with the band
Maybe you can show me your hustle
Neither one of us would be so lonely
If only you would come over here and hold me
I caught you trying to hide your smile behind your glass
But all of your secrets become a swing set when you laugh
And all of your regrets that you're carrying a burying
Don't mean a damn thing if there's nobody to share them with

We've been following each other all night now
We ought to be all over each other like right now
I don't like crowds lets take flight now
Cause that face that you make
Reminds me of my life now

[Chorus: repeat 6X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

"Only trying to find myself inside of you"

Beauty song number 1. I only look for beauty in music. Songs I can relate to. Songs that explains my life. This is a prime example of beauty to me.

beauty. continued.

Beauty.

First, describe to me your concept of beauty. What is beautiful to you? Who is beautiful to you? What does beautiful sound, smell and taste like? Do you believe in inner beauty? Do you believe a person becomes more beautiful with time and why?

My concept of beauty. hmm. Well lets see, theres physical attractiveness and then theres the emotional stuff. Honestly, I look to see the beauty in people rather than the average "tall, tan, buff" bullshit.

Whats beautiful to me, pride and confidence. Truthfulness, honesty, respect. If you were to ask me this question a few years ago I probably would've said "i like grungy looking guys who are totally BADASS!"

YEAH...no. Not in the least bit anymore. Physical beauty can never compare to the ways someone acts.

The thing that I consider beautiful is simplicity. Sound, smell, taste. If its simple, its beautiful. I don't like it when many things are scrunched all together.

Do I believe in inner-beauty? Yes.
Yes I do.
I rather see inner beauty than outer beauty. If I could look through everyone and see them for who they really are, I would know what and what not to choose in life.
But life however, isn't simple. Aging in life although is beautiful. Think of it as the changing of the seasons. As the year progresses, everything starts changing. Making it beautiful. Its unfortunate that people don't brace the fact that aging is a beautiful natural act. Instead, theres plastic surgeons trying to make everyone stay as young as possible [or at least look like it]

Depressing. Meh.

My book readings yay

So the other night I was laying in my bed, glaring at my ceiling just wondering "wtf am I doing". I turned to my right, and there the book was. The Pelican Brief by John Grisham. I sat up and started reading it.

At the same time, I realize the movie was in my dvd player. As I was reading the book, I made comparisons to the movie. I can tell you this much so far, the beginning of the book does not come up to par with the movie.

Its kinda weird come to think of it, in the book it describes one of the character and cool and sleek looking. But in the movie, the character is portrayed as a normal looking person with geek chic. This character goes by the name of Callahan, who is Darby Shaw's Professor/Secret lover on the side.

OH GOD. I SHOULD PROBABLY DESCRIBE THE CHARACTERS NOW!
Alright, so far in the book [which is pretty much the first few chapters] I've gotten a description on who each person is.

Darby Shaw- beautiful red haired lady who just happens to be ridiculously smart and 2nd in her class. Heh, no wonder her professor finds her interesting. This chick has it made. Brains and beauty.

Rosenberg- Supreme Court Judge who is ridiculously old, so old he's hooked up to an oxygen tank and can barely talk.

Jensen- Another Supreme Court Judge.

Callahan- Professor of Darby Shaw. He teaches a con law class, that everyone takes interest in even though its like the lamest class ever [so the book says].

okay honestly. I read this book around 6th grade. I didn't really understand it. But now that I've started reading it again, I understand it more. So I might as well give a quick summary on what the books about anyways.

[This by the way, isn't really a formal summary so yeah.. hahah]
Alright, so theres these 2 supreme court judges who were assassinated right? Darby Shaw herd about this and figured she could find out who can be accountable for the killings. Therefore she wrote this brief that ended up in her boyfriend/professors hands to look over. And from there it ended up going all the way to the government and took this as a serious matter. In the brief Shaw implicated that the government was a major contributor to this, so they go after her and try to kill her but instead they end up killing her boyfriend. And then she went to this reporter dude, hoping to get the word out. And so they basically go on this adventure just to exploit this and blah blah blah.

I know what its about, I'm just too lazy to get into major detail about it. I will in my next blog though dealing with this however. Promise. :D

Perfect.

So, for today, I'd like you to write about someone that you know and care about in life (could even be you) whose life is still in process, but they perhaps have made PROGRESS.

Wow. I'm pretty sure I can write a lot when it comes this kind of topic. Pretty much my love life right here. Alright, I'm gonna do this.

There's this guy. His name is Rob. Pretty much the only guy to ever catch my eye. Starting from the beginning he had me worried. Which is why I think I cared so much about him. Its weird if I think about it. In the past, if someone had a problem I would only pretend to care. But for him, it was a different story. I could see right through him. Right through all his stupid bullshit that he kept fronting. And same goes for me. He looked through me and knew what was really up, why I had a brick wall in front of me all the time. Not gonna lie, I was scared by the this. We were too much a like. Too much to the point that we would always butt heads. I've always been there for him when he was fucking up. Even though I didnt want too. Its hard to stop caring about someone who can do so much damage to you, you know? Its hard. I've tried not giving a damn about his problems. I tried spacing myself, but when you see someone sayin help, what are you suppose to do? Nothing? No, you do something. No matter the situation. Except with him, he would scream help, but wouldn't let anyone help him. It made no sense, it still makes no sense now. I wish I could stop caring about this kid. Its just too much pressure on me. But then again, theres nothing I can do. I can't help this kid. Especially if he won't let me.

Now this is how I see things. This kid obviously needs someone to show him love. Growing up, he was abused, emotionally & physically. I would know, he told me his life story. I see the good in people. And I try to let it out weigh the bad. But for him, the bad takes toll. Over everything. He used to be strong though you know? I don't know what happened though. He came back and turned back to his old self. Trying to block me out of everything while still saying he needs me in life. Shits crazy. Too crazy. Ahh. damn.

Death. I have no more to say.

i know i've been gone for a while

no this blog is no excuse for my absences, but if you'd care to know why i'd be more than happy to fill you in.

i've been out of place lately, i wake up and get dressed but as soon as i get to my car i just can't make myself go anywhere. i have no motivation to go to school, for the only reason i started pursuing good grades was so i could graduate early and live with some asshole that i'm practically in love with. maybe i'm sick. maybe i just think i'm sick. either way i can't think straight. i can't concentrate. shit, i can't do anything right without some feeling stopping me.

but now i'm sitting here thinking "wtf, i'm pretty much gonna go on and become a bum if i keep acting like this" so i'm setting the record straight.

i'm gonna do my homework.

all my homework, becky- i know i'm gonna get a crap ton of points taken off my projects but at least i'm putting the effort into doin it. 

i'll be at school on monday. most definitely. 

Today.

I've been in weird mood all day. Swear to god. I woke up this morning, depressed out of my mind. I hopped in my car, listened to some music, trying to make my day better. I got a text from my ex, more problems start to arise. He cares about me, but he doesn't need me, and if he needs me he has the worst way of showing it. I got to school, listened to a song on repeat. Blasting it like I was the only person in sight. Sometimes I wish I could just go into my own world. A world where I'm by myself, trying to find a balance between this here reality and the dream I wish I was living. I saw my psychologist yesterday. And she made me make a list of things I want in my life. I don't know what I want in life. Actually scratch that, I do. I want happiness. But happiness is hard to achieve. I had that once, but I don't know what happened. It disappeared. You know, I'm in a good place right now. I feel alright. I feel better than alright. I feel great. But knowing me, thats gonna change. I got issues, I'm emotional, I tend to take things the wrong way, but it doesn't matter to me. What I do is what I do.

I'm getting sick of receiving the same advice. Over the past few days all I've been hearing is

"Its all gonna work out in the end" "In the end, everything will be better"

But what if the end never comes? What If I'm just stuck here in the middle, going through life's ups and downs? I wanna find the balance. I wanna try to find this balance that I find my self stuck in. I wanna get up and leave. I might do that right now. Get up and leave. Get up get out get the hell out of town, go do something worth something. Shit.

Million Dollar Baby Assessment

Movie Questions:
How effectively do you think this film was cast? Did the director do a quality job assigning parts to appropriate actors? Why or why not? (3)

Alright, Hilary Swank as an actress is just amazing. I loved her role in Boys Don't Cry and I also loved her role in this movie as well.

Morgan Freeman was also a specifically good actor in this movie as well. Although I will say, the narration with Clint Eastwood's voice got annoying.

However, I did notice one thing. Some of the actors casted in this movie, are huge comedians that you can see in any Seth Rogen movies. (i.e. Michael Pena; Observe & Report, Jay Baruchel; Knocked Up)

Interesting movie cast, for the most part.

Describe how well you think this film was adapted from the story? What parts of the story were missing? What was maintained? (3)

Well, some parts of the movie stayed the same, they added a lot to it though. The parts that were missing were just really small detailed parts towards characters however. For example, J.D. was suppose to be big and fat, as well as Maggie's sister, but they were the complete opposite. Also the part where Frankie beats the crap out of J.D. was missing too. The parts that were maintained were the parts that had a lot to do with the dialogue of the story. "Remember what my daddy did to axel?" stayed the same, which I thought was a dramatic moment in both the story and the book.

What additional plot lines and characters were added to the movie that added positively to the film? Explain how these characters and stories enhanced our sympathies toward Maggie and Frankie, and also improved the movie overall? (5)

Scrap, played by Morgan Freeman, was a good way to incorporate a better connection between Maggie and Frankie. Danger added positivity towards the film because it really showed how good of a man Scrap was. Willie was a good way to tell Frankie he should be done with managing and move on, which later transitioned to Frankie managing Maggie. I thought it was wrong how they didn't make Blue bald though. I pictured some nasty looking lady to play the part of Blue, but noooooo. They wanted to make Blue be girly when she was out of the rink and stuff. It aggitates me when stuff like that [comparing the movie to the book] happens.

What do you believe about assisted suicide? Do you believe that Frankie made the right choice? (2)

Maggie wanted help. I would probably do the same thing/feel the same way if I was in either position. Assisted suicide sounds like a hard concept to understand, but if the person you loved was going through so much pain and needed to end it, wouldn't you do the same thing?

Both the story and the movie end after Frankie's painful choice. What do you think happens next in his life? Will he return to training? Boxing? (2)

He probably went into a deep depression. Frankie thought of Maggie as his own daughter. If I were him I'd probably just retire and dive deep into alcoholism. In the story, he did drink jameson to help him cope with the decision he was about to make. So my assumption is that he will now fall into a downwards spiral and suffer from sever depression. As pessimistic as that may sound, it does seem logical in his situation.

The Power of Movies!

The power of movies to influence our thinking is vast. Sometimes we don't even realize how our perceptions of the world are shaped by what we see in the media. Below, I'd like you to write about how movies influence our thinking and (mis)represent these ideas. Ask yourself; what do movies teach us about these topics? How do we approach our life because of how movies speak to these subjects? For each topic, please list 3 movies that support your assertions.

Romance and Love:
We're told that you either have a happy ending or you don't. I'll be realistic. No one has that fairy tale ending. Maybe thats more pessimism but in general its not real. Human beings change their minds like theres nothing to it. One moment they're in love, the next they're in love...with another person. Its absolutely ridiculous. Types of movies that show this theme is; He's just not that into you, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Definitely, Maybe.

Gender Roles:
Movies either tell us that men or woman are the more dominant species. Usually gender roles played in movies come from what we've experienced in history already. For example, how women stay home and cook and men go make the money. Movies that form around this subject; Million Dollar Baby, Wanted, Terminator 3

Conflict Resolution:
------

Human Beings Are Individual and Distinct.

Question:
Do you think that it is more challenging to overcome the limitations of our gender or the trappings of poverty? Why? Explain.

Answer:
I feel that it is more challenging to overcome the trappings of poverty. We live in a world where, in my opinion, people face a bigger fear of keeping there economic status straight. Although I will agree that the limitations of gender was bigger years ago, but its not really that big of a deal now days. Everyone is suffering in the situation that our nation is going through at the current moment. So on that note, the trapping of poverty is a bigger challenge as apposed to people's judgment on gender types.

Question:
How does Maggie overcome both the limitations of her gender in a male dominated sport and her upbringing in poverty? Why is she successful? How is a model for others?

Answer:
In the story, Maggie shows how strong she is and is aware of what shes capable of doing as long as she puts her mind to it. She's successful because she not only believes in herself, but shows others that they should believe in her too. I believe that Maggie is tremendous model to other people [mainly ranging from the female sex] by proving that girls can do the same things that guys are capable of doing. She shows strength and power, even though she suffered from a poor childhood.

I woke up to this song in my head.

Leave me never would you, if you should could I live [6x]

She said that she still wants a friendship
She cant live her life without me as a friend
I cant figure out why I'd give a damn to what she wants
I dont understand the now before the then

Most of this garbage I write
That these people seem to like
Is about you
And how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you
I doubt that they would see it
They'd wonder what i showed you
How you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistant
If I stay around, im bound to break resistance
Fuck you lucy for defining my existance
Fuck you and your differences

Ever since I was a young lad
With a part time dad
It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had
I studied my mother
I digested her pain
And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same
Travel like sound across the fate ladder
I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch
Its like that
Thank you very much
Fuck you very much

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Fuck the what happend
I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck
Used to hold her hand
Fell behind and played the role of a slower man
I wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
I wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the sheet twist me up
The last star fighter is wounded time to give it up
On a pick it up mission
Kept it bitter
Getting in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
Cookies for the road
Took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama
Hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further
The hurt feels like murder
Interperate
The eyes
Read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake
How much time did i waste?
Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess im a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close em
You swing em
It hurst when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tatoo that says warning
Thats all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover
(Fuck you)

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Leave never would you, you show could I if.....

I feel that this song is perfect for the moment. But it made me really emotional when I started thinking about my relation to the meaning of it.

Death. Death death deathhh.

I'm depressed.
My anxiety is screaming through the roofs.
I look dead.
I feel like crap.
I don't know what to do but want to lay in bed and crumble into a ball and cry.
Why?
Life. Thats why.
Don't get me wrong, in no way do i feel suicidal.
I'm just down.
The first relationship where I was full on honest to someone ends, and next thing you know my life is shattering. Shattering into a million pieces.
I'm not gonna lie, I do want him back.
But everyone keeps telling me "you're better than him. move on with your life"
If only it was that simple....
I wanna get away from anything.
I haven't felt this depressed in months. But the last time I did feel like this I ended up checking myself into treatment.
This is a different matter though.
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't do anything like that.
Why, again?
Because I learned that those aren't good ways to cope with your problems.
I don't want to see a psychologist though.
I hate talking about my feelings to those kinds of people.
I rather just go to a damn doctor and get some meds.
Maybe the reason I'm so moody is due to my depo.
I read in an article once that it can mess up your hormones and create an uneven balance in your mind.
I'm sick.
I feel sick.
I can't eat I can't think I can't focus. I'm actually pretty surprised that I'm even doing this.
Jerry just walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to talk.
But no, I don't wanna talk. I wanna sit here and complain.
Whine.
Scream.
I need a cigarette. I wish everything was simple.

You know what, I have a question.
What is love?
Is love real?
Why Why Why.

Back in the day, I steered away from relationships. I knew the toll it could take on people once it was over.
I wish I would've took my own advice 8 months ago.
Now i'm sitting here, broken over a relationship that was probably going to end anyways.
I don't understand myself though. I can't keep myself away from him.
We hang out more than ever now that we're broken up, but it just doesn't make sense.
You see us, and then you would just assume we were together.
But were not.
We're not We're not NO WE'RE NOT.
I'M PISSED. i'm furious. i'm hurt. i'm broken.
I wanna check myself in, just to get away for a while.
I don't like being around people when i feel like this.
I don't like anything when i'm this pissed.
UGh.
UGH
WHY WHY WHY

christ. I really wanna know whats wrong with me. Like really, I just wanna know what the hell did i do wrong to screw up this relationship. Its weird. i'm fighting with myself, as if theres 2 people inside of me. I feel like this is a relationship between tyler and jack from fight club.

Theres a person who wants to get out, so another person is created to help that person find his ways.
I mean i'm not saying that i have split personalities. or maybe i do? i dont know.
i should probably web md all of this. I was doing that earlier, except it was about anxiety and depression.

For some people, talking helps. But for me, I talk a lot anyways, I talk to my friends. I talk to strangers. I talk to anyone. But I will absolutely not speak to a psychologist. Maybe a psychiatrist so i can get some meds, but definitely not a psychologist.

Feeling broken feels like hell. I show signs of palpitation, which if you didnt know is an irregular upbeat heartbeat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I can't focus yet i'm still doing this.
blah.

Earth DAY

Becky Asked:

• In what ways are you an eco-friendly person?
• How is your life a little bit green?
• How important to you are issues related to global warming, pollution, recycling and the like?

Tina Answered:

• I recycle. Well actually its more like my mom recycles, but yeah, i don't know... Hahah
• Look above. I RECYCLE. Otherwise, i'm not really huge on noticing these kind of factors.
• Hmmmmm.... How important are these issues? Uh, well lets see.
  
• Global warming; I'm not gonna be alive to actually give a darn about this suject, therefore I'm not really interested in the subject.
• Pollution; It sucks that its killing the o-zone layer, but likewise I'm not really interested in the subject.
• Recycling; My mother takes care of this because i'm too lazy to do it myself. Why yes, I do know I'm a pretty selfish person. ahhaha

The significance of 4/20

This is what pops into my head when I think about 4/20
Its actually really sad that I think about it. The only significance that this day proposes is the fact that its "everyone's a pothead" day, Hitler's birthday & the columbine shooting [at least thats what I can think of].
Personally, I could care less about this day. To me, its only another day in the year. Nothing really to big to talk about. But whatever, thats just my opinion.


blaw blah blarjeklakdu9gjka death.

i haven't been on this in a while..

alright, i'm gonna keep this short and simple. I've been pretty out of wack lately. My boyfriend got home on thursday and then we ended our relationship on sunday which lead to a mental breakdown on monday and yeah...

i know i should be focused on my work and stuff. but i've just been completely depressed. i'll try to get some work in but as for now i just don't know what to say... meh.

Responding to the following questions...

1.How are you and your teachers alike?

Well, I'm not really sure. We're both humans. We both have our own opinions. We're both awesome.

2.How are you and your teachers different?

I swear. Not as much as Sidney, but I do engage myself in a lot of cursing. Hhahahahhahfdsajfkdls. Also I do think that my opinions differ from their opinions.

3.What skills and talents do you have in common?

We both LOVE doing work. We're both intelligent.

4. What talents and knowledge does your generation have that your parents and teachers might lack?
The generation I'm coming from has a faster adaption to technology then our elders. Since everything now days is becoming upgraded, it only makes sense that we [the kids from this generation] form ourselves to it. This creates a "generation gap" in the understanding of new technology.

Its only the beginning of the day, and i already feel hazy

Today. Today Today Today. The day just started, and I'm already feeling winded. Over the past few hours, I've managed to run everywhere. I bet you're wondering what exactly do I mean. Well lets see. I woke up at 4 this morning because my sleeping schedule has been kinda out of wack, so my boyfriend called me to tell me about how the Atmosphere concert went and blah blah blah... (He's coming home today, so I'm super excited) After I got the phone with him, I laid in bed, trying to fall back asleep. But I kept tossing and turning, next thing you know its 7 a.m. and I figured I should just take a nice long shower. I left the house at 8:15 to see if Daryll needed a ride to school. When I got there, her dad was worried about being late for work and was waiting for Sam to get ready. I told him I could drive him to school, so her dad left and Sam ended up taking FOREEEEVVERRRR getting ready. By the this time it was 10 past 9. We were already late for school, all because I wanted to be the nice guy and give Daryll's dad a break. 

As I dropped Sam off at school, I realized that I totally forgot my work clothes and an excuse note for my tuesday afternoon absences. I was hoping my dad would be home so he can just write me note, but he wasn't. So after I gathered my stuff, I decided to grab my bass along to take to school to leave in the audio tech room. After I put everything in the car, I totally forgot my work shoes [I was wearing heels this morning and was like wtf dude!]. Ugksdfjdklghurofgjklsadfjklsa FKdsagjkldaguiosa 

Blah. Okay anyways, when we left the house I called my dad so he could re-write me a note. I met up with him at one of the other houses we own and then scurried off to school. By this time it was 10 to, and I was just ridiculously frustrated. Come to think of it, I still am. Anywayyysssss.... When I was putting some of the crap from the back seat to the trunk, I realized that I forgot another thing. MY WORK PANTS. Now I have to go home during lunch to grab them, because unfortunately for me today I work at 4, which interferes with my 7th hour so now I got more stupid things to worry about.

AND ON  TOP OF THAT, since my boyfriend has been gone for like...EVER, it only makes sense that I go see him when he comes home [which is ballpark, like i dont know? 5ish?]. Technically I don't get off till 7, but since work has been slow lately they're probably gonna let me go an hour early or something. My stomach keeps cramping up, I think my anxiety is kickin in, I feel nauseous and all I wanna do is GO HOME. 

I hate feeling stressed out, its absolutely lame. And I hate having 500 other things to do. I hate everything. You know what. I know you [BECKY] are going to read this, and I think I might have to agree with you. I can be quite cynical at times. Especially right now. Maybe I'm only cynical when i'm stressed. I probably need a cigarette. OR EVEN BETTER. A nice vacation to myself. A lot of you might not know this about me, but over the past few years I've come to notice many things about myself. I went from "I HATE BEING BY MYSELF! I NEED TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE" to "WTF I WANNA BE BY MYSELF. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE". Its really weird. I mean, I understand the whole concept of "people change over time" but I didn't actually think I would notice it right away.. Then again, I am pretty "self-aware" of things, or whatever, but yeah... I don't know. UGh. FKJDSLAKG7R0GUJILRAFJLIDSFU8DOAHJ.

I wonder, what if i just made of blog of me goin maniacal and just typing "djgoireyg98osajgflsajglkfjgkladgu0483t094mkdsmjvoil.vjnurolx,guoria;guo;agvjczjuo"

meh. death.