So I glanced at the pictures Gavin took of me a from over a week ago. My head is currently spinning at the moment. I'm currently sitting here at the Mayo Clinic, actually Saint Mary's Hospital which is connected to the Mayo Clinic [its where all the famous screw ups go, hahahahah] because I made a very very bad decision on thursday. I know this blog however doesn't make sense, but being here doesn't make sense. The objective of my stay here at the hospital is to focus on myself [whatever the hell that means] and to figure out who I really am. Over the past 7 years I've been a user of drugs and alcohol. After I stopped using however, I fell into a trecherous relationship. This relationship pretty much consumed my life. It was very hard and tore me up emotionally and physically. So now I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly who I am.
My name is Christina May Lucht
I'm 17 years old
I used to be a party girl
I used to be a follower of falling in love
but who am I now?
I'm pissed. Thats who I am now.
I'm an angry person for ever letting someone come into my life and eat me from the inside out.
My dad tells me I have a big heart, thats why i'm hurting so bad. But you know what, I would prefer to not have a heart and just be a cold hearted bitch. Falling in love is a fallacy. Everyone precieves it as like, some great thing. Well you know what, from my goddamn experiences, Romance is Misery. Romance being a word for "falling in love". I hate this concept. I hate it.
Maybe i'm just saying this because I got my heart broken, once again.
How many times do you have to get your heart broken till something good comes out of it?
Meh, "Only time could tell..."
I wanna go home. I wish I was home. I wish nothing ever happened. I wish I wasn't sick. I wish everything would go back to normal. Screw this.
About Me
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Why Why Why Why Why
Posted by Tinix at 1:12 PM
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1 comments:
Hello Tina,
As always, your writing is so clear and eloquent, despite being filled with pain and introspective confusion. I so admire you for trying to make sense of or process the difficult journey you find yourself on. I think as time passes, that you will find it cathartic to see the process and progress you are making. As far as the heart broken idea, my personal thought it that as much as I would like to seal up or lock away my heart from pain, it also brings me the greatest and most genuine highs (my heart, that is). I don't feel things in a neutral way. Typically, it's one extreme or another. Age has tempered that somewhat, but my initial reaction to distress is intense. Sometimes people pair the words- agony and ecstasy and that makes sense, you know. I think that with everything that life throws at you, normal changes it's definition each time. I hope that normal means that we'll see you again soon and that you will find an inner peace. I know you're writing about heavy stuff, so if you'd rather I didn't "comment" I can abstain. I don't want to aggravate you and if this is a positive forum that needs to remain pure- without any outside voices- I understand.
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