Heh, maybe I can pull a Susanna Kaysen and write about my journey here in the psych ward. Alright, I understand. The word "psych" does seem a bit intimidating. But honestly, my stay here has been quite...interesting. You can't really make "best friends" here because people come and go like no other. And if you do make a really good friend, you better find a way to keep in touch with them because people from all over the place come to this hospital. I feel like I'm breaking the whole "confidentiality rule", so I'm gonna rename a bunch of things just to throw you off track a little bit.
Day 6:
Today, I was brought into the psyciatrist's room to take a few tests. It was nothing too big, or out of the usual, just the MAP, MMPI, and general testing. You're probably wondering what those first two are. Well, quite frankly they're pretty much the same test, except the MMPI is about 400 questions long and the MAP is about 100 or so. What exactly do the test determine though? Well for me, its for the doctors to determine exactly what the hell is wrong with me. Since the doctors can't observe me 24 hours a day, they make you take a test to see whats making you "tick". What makes me tick? Well I'm no sociopath or a borderline [which by the way takes a year to diagnose, I've done the research.] but I am depressed, I do have a major anxiety problem, and apparently I am also "manic". Manic what? Manic depressive? Manic bi-polar? Manic what?! I wish I knew but this is just the information I've gathered so far. The test results haven't come back yet and I probably won't know for a few days or so about the matter.
As far as friends go, I'm doing pretty fine. All I have to do is make sure I don't get too close to anyone, because before you know it they're gone. Vanished. I mean, the average stay here is only 5-7 days, which feels like eternitiy by the way. But its really not that bad. Well, okay maybe I'm being too nice, it is that bad. Anyways! Friends. Yeah, don't make any here, they're all completely gone and out of their minds. I really don't know what else to say about it. Even the nurses are insane. It kinda works out though because everyone has come together to figure things out. Some who were voluntary like myself, and others who were forced here by their "delusional" parents. Confusion. My current state of mind is confusion. Has been for a while now. But thats what the "rest" is for. Thats why I'm here. To not be confused, to not feel so fucked up inside, to get "better", whatever that is.
About Me
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Memoir
Posted by Tinix at 12:51 PM
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1 comments:
Years ago, a friend of mine in college stayed just where you are residing. She was studying abroad and some fellow students caught her cutting and they shipped her back to the US and we had to take her immediately from the hospital to Roch. I can still see her room, but more powerfully than that, how visiting her felt surreal, how she felt outside of herself-- the whole bit. Another friend spent some time there-- or in a another near by wing- for her anorexia. The infringements on her privacy were intense.
OK, back to YOUR post. Sorry for my digression. I find it fascinating that within a diagnosis of a person's challenges are so many tests. I am glad that there is an exacting science and ways to intelligently rule out and rule in certain things, but I wish we had more time in the day and in our lives for communication. I even wish that the people you are meeting didn't have to be so fleeting. Don't we all need more than 5-7 days to reclaim or discover complicated parts of ourselves?
My thoughts are with you as you navigate this difficult time and I'm so thankful that you have this tool to keep you in the loop with school and connected to familiar people who care about you!
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