Death. Death death deathhh.

I'm depressed.
My anxiety is screaming through the roofs.
I look dead.
I feel like crap.
I don't know what to do but want to lay in bed and crumble into a ball and cry.
Why?
Life. Thats why.
Don't get me wrong, in no way do i feel suicidal.
I'm just down.
The first relationship where I was full on honest to someone ends, and next thing you know my life is shattering. Shattering into a million pieces.
I'm not gonna lie, I do want him back.
But everyone keeps telling me "you're better than him. move on with your life"
If only it was that simple....
I wanna get away from anything.
I haven't felt this depressed in months. But the last time I did feel like this I ended up checking myself into treatment.
This is a different matter though.
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't do anything like that.
Why, again?
Because I learned that those aren't good ways to cope with your problems.
I don't want to see a psychologist though.
I hate talking about my feelings to those kinds of people.
I rather just go to a damn doctor and get some meds.
Maybe the reason I'm so moody is due to my depo.
I read in an article once that it can mess up your hormones and create an uneven balance in your mind.
I'm sick.
I feel sick.
I can't eat I can't think I can't focus. I'm actually pretty surprised that I'm even doing this.
Jerry just walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to talk.
But no, I don't wanna talk. I wanna sit here and complain.
Whine.
Scream.
I need a cigarette. I wish everything was simple.

You know what, I have a question.
What is love?
Is love real?
Why Why Why.

Back in the day, I steered away from relationships. I knew the toll it could take on people once it was over.
I wish I would've took my own advice 8 months ago.
Now i'm sitting here, broken over a relationship that was probably going to end anyways.
I don't understand myself though. I can't keep myself away from him.
We hang out more than ever now that we're broken up, but it just doesn't make sense.
You see us, and then you would just assume we were together.
But were not.
We're not We're not NO WE'RE NOT.
I'M PISSED. i'm furious. i'm hurt. i'm broken.
I wanna check myself in, just to get away for a while.
I don't like being around people when i feel like this.
I don't like anything when i'm this pissed.
UGh.
UGH
WHY WHY WHY

christ. I really wanna know whats wrong with me. Like really, I just wanna know what the hell did i do wrong to screw up this relationship. Its weird. i'm fighting with myself, as if theres 2 people inside of me. I feel like this is a relationship between tyler and jack from fight club.

Theres a person who wants to get out, so another person is created to help that person find his ways.
I mean i'm not saying that i have split personalities. or maybe i do? i dont know.
i should probably web md all of this. I was doing that earlier, except it was about anxiety and depression.

For some people, talking helps. But for me, I talk a lot anyways, I talk to my friends. I talk to strangers. I talk to anyone. But I will absolutely not speak to a psychologist. Maybe a psychiatrist so i can get some meds, but definitely not a psychologist.

Feeling broken feels like hell. I show signs of palpitation, which if you didnt know is an irregular upbeat heartbeat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I can't focus yet i'm still doing this.
blah.