Question of the Day; Monday June 1st.

So, what it is? What volume do you like to hear your music at and why? Do you feel like listening to music loudly is a worthy sacrifice or some bands are better louder? What about concerts? Ever gone to one with ear plugs?

I prefer to listen to my music as loud as possible. Why? Because it makes my car vibrate and plus everyones just staring at you when you drive down the street with windows down and Velvet Revolver blasting, and they just stand there wondering what the hell are you listening to?

As for concerts, I've never gone to a concert with ear plugs. Whats the point of doing that if you're there to hear the music. I can understand going to warped tour with some however. So many bands are playing at once and people are just going insane and crazy. But yeah, never gone to a concert with ear plugs, and music is better louder in any situation. EXCEPT I HATE IT WHEN THE MUSIC IS LOUD WHEN PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING IN MY CAR TELLING ME WHERE TO GO.

But other than that, yeah, I can deal with it.

Twilight Response

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I officially love this writer. He makes a good point, although I am offended that he dissed the name Leslie, which infact is the name of my father. But oh well, thats his name and not mine to deal with. I think its funny though that he created that particular "challenge". I actually tried this on my ex a while back, but only with the movie, and he just screamed and whined like a little baby. It was absolutely pathetic. The only person I can think of who actually reads the Twilight series thats a guy is Ninja. Sheesh. I'm gonna start using the word cede, for it sounds very cool to my ears and when I say it, it makes me feel good.

Meh, Why do I ALWAYS lose my train of thought when I start writing a blog.

007 AGENT STORY!!!

My name is Celest, Jules Celest. I've been working for the top secret "we're cool" undercover "i'm gonna kick your butt" agency for 5 years now. I'm the top in my class in all categories. I will defeat you with my pinky in the blink of an eye. I am also a computer hacker who cracked the government database when I was 15 years old. The places the agency usually sends me to are in Europe and Russia. Apparently thats where all the "action" is, and by golly gee wiz I can never refuse something that provides action! I've been taught not to trust anyone, only your boss. But even your boss can turn on you. The reason as to why I've been recruited is because I'm drop dead georgous and I'm smarter than a pickle. Being a spy is awesome. I love it. Its like being an actress but with more pride and stuff. I get to be whomever I want, and at the same time kick anyones ass that gets in my way. Plus the pay is really good, 500,000k per job. :D


Alright I know this looks really goofy and all, but I wasn't exactly sure how to come up with a tale about being a secret agent and stuff, so my baaad.

High Fidelity Assignment

Top 5 Songs

1. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
2. Its Been A While - Staind
3. Use Me - Hinder
4. So Hott - Kid Rock
5. F*ck You Lucy - Atmosphere

Top 5 Friends

1. Jamie LeClaire
2. Mariah Damte
3. Zoee Taylor
4. Daryl Berg
5. ...Hi Matthea.

I think this is really weird that we're naming our top 5 friends, btw...

Top 5 Learning Experiences

1. How to ride a bike
2. Dating
3. Death
4. Love
5. Grief

Top 5 Lessons from High Fidelity

1. Don't go around asking what you did wrong to your ex girlfriends
2. Avoid crazy women
3. Avoid crazy people
4. Collect good music and obsess about it
5. Just don't date.

Top 5 Go-To Foods

1. Ramen Cup BEEF
2. Mac n Cheese
3. Noodley stuff
4. Asian food my lola makes
5. Cheeseburgers from A&W

Post Fight Club Assignment

I believe that emotional violence runs deeper than physical because emotional violence impacts who you are as a being. As for physical violence, you can just wrap yourself up and give it a few days then you're fine. The one that results in longer scars depends on the situation or how you want to take it. You can have physical scars, which do last a lifetime [unless if you're ridiculously rich and pay some cocky doctor to "wipe" them off] or you can have emotional scars. Emotional scars are the ones that show you your mistakes, and a reminder of what you can do to avoid them in the future. It can be either good or bad emotional scars, however. Bad scars hold you back from making choices, taking risks. Good scars, just gives you a reminder and etc.

Layme.

I just got off the phone with my mother and she told me all the people who were coming to visit me tomorrow. Apparently its going to be her, my aunt, my god parents and my dad. No kids. At all. Ugh. Great. Now I gotta deal with my mom's side of the family interrogating me on everything. Crap. If theres one thing I hate dealing with is questions. Questions that you obviously shouldn't be asking at such a critical time. I mean sure, I'm open to talk about it with strangers and etc, but with my family? People who I have to deal with for my whole life and who are probably not gonna let this die down or anything whatsoever? No thank you. On top of that, the test results aren't coming till tomorrow. LAYME. I'm ditching group to blog about my feelings, oh joy to the world. Plus I'm trying to get as much apex work done before the end of the school year so I can at least get a passing grade in 2 classes. I think I have a passing grade in the movies & literature class, but I'm not sure. And I hope I have a passing grade in the blogging class. My algebra book is missing. AGH. I need a nap, but no. Tina must work work work. Oddly enough, school doesn't really stress me out. It makes me tired, but not stressed. That reminds me, I should probably write that 2 page paper on why I should be accepted into PSEO. Unfortunately ALC schools don't have a class rank, which I find pretty ridiculous none the less. but yeah. We're suppose to blog 3 times a week right? Well, I'm gonna blog like 50 times a week. Okay thats an overexageration but whatever I don't care you get what I mean.

Alright. I'm gonna nap. I don't know what else to blog about, other than the fact that I have this headache that keeps coming and going and coming and going. And this stomach ache that isn't really a stomach ache but it is? Yeah, I don't even make sense to myself.

song for the moment: I'm not sick but i'm not well.

Memoir.

Day 7.

I think I have an alarm clock set to 3 am in my head. For some reason, all the pills that they give me to go to bed aren't strong enough to knock me out for more than 5 hours. So I always find myself, waking up at 3, or around that time, blood pressure going through the roof, for no reason. You wold think they would give me something to calm me down, but no. They give me nothing. The meds I take before I go to sleep is 16 mg of rozerem. They used to have me on trazadone but it didn't work for me. If you know anything about insomnia, you would think that trazadone would knock me right out. Hahaha, unfortunately my sleep pattern doesn't want to work with that. Sure the meds help and all, I mean at least I do fall asleep, but waking up at 3 and not being able to fall back asleep is a pain.
They have a recipe here, its called magic milk. Its suppose to help the "children falls dead asleep". Its pretty much just sugar, vanilla extract and milk though. And no, that also doesn't work on me, but it is pretty yummy. Thats what I ordered this morning, right when I woke up. I pressed the little red call button to get a nurse, and politely asked for some magic milk. Unfortunately it took them a half hour to get it. Why? I don't know, but for some reason I had the patience to wait. I usually don't have patience however. But in the middle of the night, my mind was calm and set together. Eventually I fell back asleep, say around 5 or so. Woke back up at 7 in the morning. Cleaned my room, talked to my nurse, put in my extenstions, put on my make-up [even though i don't need it here] and ate breakfast. Then came group, which is pretty much us talkin about "your goals for the day" and "how you're feeling". I think doing this is pointless. Especially for today. I have no goals. They given me every worksheet in this place and I've done it all. If only I worked this hard at school...hahah. Anyways though, the other day, they gave me 3 surveys on eating disorders. I KNOW. I'VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT. AND NO I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!

Stress. I must go outside now, its "group" time. Ugh.

Question for Friday

What kind and good thing will you do for the world and for yourself this weekend and what motivates that choice?

Hmm.. I'm gonna go on a pass for a few hours with my family, meaning I finally get to leave this nuthouse for a bit. The goal is to be positive, not have some weird freak anxiety attack, stay calm, use my coping tools [weird, i'm talkin about coping tools] if i start developing ideations of bad..thoughts... and uhm... YEAH! I don't know. I really hope nothing bad happens this weekend though. AND I GET THE RESULTS ON MY PSYCH TESTS TODAY! Not really something for me to be all excited about though, right? WRONG. I'm interested in what the computer has to say about my mind and my inner being. I will most definitely blog about it when I recieve the results though.

Back to the question however, the motivation to make this choice [coping and etc] is the more i get myself together, the faster i get out of here. And as weird as this may sound, I really don't wanna miss school anymore. I mean, I know were almost done and everything but I really REALLY want to come back. I need some structure in my life. For the past few months its been so out of wack. I go to school, then I dont, then I end up in the hospital, then I go to school, then I get into a fight, then I go back to the hospital. Its definitely a cycle I don't want to keep myself in. Sure, everyone needs a lil spice in their life. But I wouldn't exactly call this spice, this is more of a...hmm... tornado? OH EVEN BETTER. TYPHOON! or a TSUNAMI!

Normal. I want Normal.

THAT STUPID FLICKR

I
AM
REALLY
FRUSTRATED
WITH THIS
RIGHT NOW.

okay, so I thought I had an account on flickr already. But apparently not. So I made a new one, but now its saying I already had an account and all the pictures I just favorited [I don't really have any from my personal collection to add from because I'm not at home and I don't exactly have access to a scanner here] disappeared! I'm FURIOUS. So Instead. I'm just gonna upload pictures on here. Because Its simple and Easy. And LESS COMPLICATED.

I'm sorry becky but flickr pisses me off.



thats a picture from when i was in the philippines from a long time ago. hahah

thats my cousin jun jun, not really a picture that shows a lot but whateves its still a picture from the philippines. I think I'm in the parking ramp of some hotel somewhere downtown in Manila.

Series of Professions

Hmm... Now what does the young Christina Lucht have in mind for a profession in her future?

I wanna be a

• doctor
• waitress
• psycho analyst
• drummer for a band
• writer
• journalist
• reporter
• tv news anchor
• actress
• model
• translator
• C.I.A. operative

uhm... yeah.

As far as how much money they make, if I were to work for any of those jobs, I would suspect to be paid the most as a C.I.A. operative. How else am I gonna get the funding to get all that cool gadget stuff? Hahah, OH I can also be one of those drag racers and get paid by winning. That would be awesome. As far as salary goes though, I think I should get paid pretty highly for all of them. I wouldn't mind being a bartender. They seem like they make good money just by pooring drunks shots and listening to their sob stories [or so i'm told].

$500,000 a year. Thank you very much, please.

Memoir

Heh, maybe I can pull a Susanna Kaysen and write about my journey here in the psych ward. Alright, I understand. The word "psych" does seem a bit intimidating. But honestly, my stay here has been quite...interesting. You can't really make "best friends" here because people come and go like no other. And if you do make a really good friend, you better find a way to keep in touch with them because people from all over the place come to this hospital. I feel like I'm breaking the whole "confidentiality rule", so I'm gonna rename a bunch of things just to throw you off track a little bit.



Day 6:

Today, I was brought into the psyciatrist's room to take a few tests. It was nothing too big, or out of the usual, just the MAP, MMPI, and general testing. You're probably wondering what those first two are. Well, quite frankly they're pretty much the same test, except the MMPI is about 400 questions long and the MAP is about 100 or so. What exactly do the test determine though? Well for me, its for the doctors to determine exactly what the hell is wrong with me. Since the doctors can't observe me 24 hours a day, they make you take a test to see whats making you "tick". What makes me tick? Well I'm no sociopath or a borderline [which by the way takes a year to diagnose, I've done the research.] but I am depressed, I do have a major anxiety problem, and apparently I am also "manic". Manic what? Manic depressive? Manic bi-polar? Manic what?! I wish I knew but this is just the information I've gathered so far. The test results haven't come back yet and I probably won't know for a few days or so about the matter.
As far as friends go, I'm doing pretty fine. All I have to do is make sure I don't get too close to anyone, because before you know it they're gone. Vanished. I mean, the average stay here is only 5-7 days, which feels like eternitiy by the way. But its really not that bad. Well, okay maybe I'm being too nice, it is that bad. Anyways! Friends. Yeah, don't make any here, they're all completely gone and out of their minds. I really don't know what else to say about it. Even the nurses are insane. It kinda works out though because everyone has come together to figure things out. Some who were voluntary like myself, and others who were forced here by their "delusional" parents. Confusion. My current state of mind is confusion. Has been for a while now. But thats what the "rest" is for. Thats why I'm here. To not be confused, to not feel so fucked up inside, to get "better", whatever that is.

Hmm... someone who has past away?

Does "past away" have to be in a physical sense or can it be metaphorical? 'Cause people do change, they can either change into nasty, selfish and absurd human beings or they can just physically die. Well... I guess it doesn't exactly matter whatsoever though right?

Lets see, the only person I can think of who has physically died is my cousin. I wasn't exactly close with her though, because when she passed away I was about 5 or so. As for dying in a metaphorical sense, I would have to say my ex. For many reasons that I truly wish to not speak about.

Its dreadful thinking about the past though. Thats all they want to focus about here at the hospital. "What got you here?" "What are significant events in your life that have influenced you to change in such a dramatic way?" "Blah blah blah you have problems and its all in the past now" You would think that being here they would want to focus on the now, the present, instead of the past. The past is nothing but regret for me. At least over the past few weeks thats what it seems like. Bleh. I'm losing my train of thought. new blog.

Why Why Why Why Why

So I glanced at the pictures Gavin took of me a from over a week ago. My head is currently spinning at the moment. I'm currently sitting here at the Mayo Clinic, actually Saint Mary's Hospital which is connected to the Mayo Clinic [its where all the famous screw ups go, hahahahah] because I made a very very bad decision on thursday. I know this blog however doesn't make sense, but being here doesn't make sense. The objective of my stay here at the hospital is to focus on myself [whatever the hell that means] and to figure out who I really am. Over the past 7 years I've been a user of drugs and alcohol. After I stopped using however, I fell into a trecherous relationship. This relationship pretty much consumed my life. It was very hard and tore me up emotionally and physically. So now I'm sitting here, trying to figure out exactly who I am.

My name is Christina May Lucht
I'm 17 years old
I used to be a party girl
I used to be a follower of falling in love
but who am I now?
I'm pissed. Thats who I am now.
I'm an angry person for ever letting someone come into my life and eat me from the inside out.
My dad tells me I have a big heart, thats why i'm hurting so bad. But you know what, I would prefer to not have a heart and just be a cold hearted bitch. Falling in love is a fallacy. Everyone precieves it as like, some great thing. Well you know what, from my goddamn experiences, Romance is Misery. Romance being a word for "falling in love". I hate this concept. I hate it.
Maybe i'm just saying this because I got my heart broken, once again.

How many times do you have to get your heart broken till something good comes out of it?
Meh, "Only time could tell..."

I wanna go home. I wish I was home. I wish nothing ever happened. I wish I wasn't sick. I wish everything would go back to normal. Screw this.

Wiki Wiki Wiki

Defining Wiki:

Wiki (also known as Project Wiki and Wiki: Master of Tales) is a MMORPG published by Webzen Games Inc. that was intended to be released in 2006.



Thats the definition google gave me just about 3.4 seconds ago.





Monday; Something or Someone you admire from your childhood:

Topic: Furby



Tuesday; A career path or subject you want to persue professionally

Topic: Psycho-analyst. aka. I wanna study the minds of serial killers



Wednesday; Some kind of spirituality, school of thought or religion that has influenced your thinking.

Topic: Agnostic?



Thursday: A beloved author, musician or artist.

Topic: Trent Reznor



Friday; Your Choice

Topic: Charles Manson

Uhm... becky... I still got a lot of research on this project and I know you're frustrated about people not doing this so I'm gonna try my best to do it :D

Best and Worst thing about Summer

Best: Hot weather
Worst: I don't exactly know what to expect, especially under the conditions that I landed myself back in the hospital

Hot weather is nice, I love laying out in the sun and absorbing it. Also getting skin cancer, I absolutely just love it! Hahah

As for not knowing what to expect, I feel that life is full of surprises. I'm not at liberty to state what landed me back into the hospital but I will say this. It took me over 9 months to realize how much time I wasted on a boy who wasn't gonna give me the time of day. It took me that long, and I risked my own life finding out that answer. So as for Summer, I hope it brings good luck for me, cause God knows I need it.

Station 37

I was placed in station 37 at abbott northwestern hospital. I had a roommate named Lexi who was schizophrenic. Since we were watching Fight Club the day before I entered the hospital, I made a guess to see if the person in her head was named Tyler. She said I was right. I didn't know if I should believe her anymore now based on that statement, because after I asked about her conscience I told her that her name should be Jack. She then said that people called her that and forced herself to believe I was psychic. Honestly, I thought she was fake. She made up her inner being to help herself get away from everything. Some people like to do stupid things to put themselves into a "safer" environment. I'm not going to lie, staying at station 37 was a break, a good break at that, in my life. I needed it, but however- rooming with Lexi was interesting a tad bit scary. She would talk in her sleep, saying she wasn't fat and she wasn't ugly. Then she would have back and forth conversations with herself about numerous random topics. I thought I was going crazy, I barely got any sleep, I couldn't eat, and I wanted to leave. Well, I wanted to leave the room. I was there for a week. But it was by far the most interesting week of my life. I learned a lot about myself and well being. I learned to control my anxiety and my depression. Coping tools to help with my problems.

The unfortunate thing is, I want to go back. The stress is starting to get to me again, and I don't know how long I can take it. Thinking about it is making me breath heavily. Don't you ever wish you could just go away for a while, space yourself from everyone and everything and just be by yourself? I feel like this all the time. I try to distract myself from trying to be antisocial. So I force myself to converse with others to make people believe theres nothing wrong.

The other night I was balling my eyes out. I came to realize that I'm actually a terrible person. I'm a terrible daughter and have put my parents through hell, I manipulate people to get my way, I use people and dump them after they get old, I only think about myself or Rob. These thoughts really got to my head, and I felt like my world was spinning. This made me want to go back to the hospital. Is there something wrong with me? I always ask myself this question. Why? Because I just don't understand myself or why I do the things I do sometimes.

I used to question why people would cut themselves. I always thought it was just an attention getter and to show that they're "emo" and that it was a trend. But then one day. I tried it. My medications made me feel emotionless. I looked at my wrist and questioned myself "can i do this?" I lit a cigarette, grabbed a razor blade, opened it to get the actual blade out and started slicing away. I didn't feel anything. I was bleeding, but I didn't feel anything. I couldn't cry, because there was nothing to cry about, I couldn't scream because I didn't need help. I just wanted to feel.

fight club written assignment.

I am Tina's aorta, filling up with stressed blood, living without oxygen as the pressure rises.

Point of view from my lungs;
They clench up from time to time. Anxiety usually gets the best of me. I suffocate, cough, trying to get air into my lungs. I should probably quit smoking. I should probably quit a lot of things.

I feel that Jack does the whole personification with his body parts because it gives the audience something to think about. I mean, seriously now. "I am Jack's colon" "I am cancer, I kill Jack". Its stuff like this that just makes you think. The personification used seems somewhat metaphorical in a sense that its Jack's inner being Tyler who is speaking.

Composition of material objects;

• cell phone
• car
• guitar hero
• drum sticks
• cigarettes
• gum
• lighter
• wallet
• id
• change
• pen
• paper
• hair extensions
  

well, cell phone is to communicate, car is for transportation, guitar hero and drum sticks fall into the category of making me happy, cigarettes and the lighter is just essential for my mental needs, the wallet, id, and change go hand in hand. the pen and paper are used to help with getting information if needed. And the hair extensions and gum are just... plain life.

Statements and messages from the film about materialism and freedom;
You're never free from yourself. In this story, Tyler Durden, or Jack, are never "free" from themselves. Materialism plays a huge role because Jack formed his life around everything he bought. He thought that buying worthless,meaningless things would make his life more "complete", when it actually did nothing. Freedom on the other hand came as a role in the film by getting rid of the materialism that piled up in Jack.

Tyler said "You are not your job or your possessions. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.”.

That quote right there explains that you must first free yourself before committing yourself to complete freedom.

Wonderful by Everclear.

I'm posting this song up because I feel that it will help people be happy. Enjoy.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Motivation Proclaimation

Vexing.

I don't really care much for the whole critiquing and etc. I mean I'll say whats on my mind but not much thought really goes into it if you know what I mean. I found out that its easier to just not care about others opinions on yourself. Everything that someone says to me about my self appearance or my work or anything of that matter usually goes in one ear and out the other. It varies on people, some people pay too much attention to what others have to say. But really, it shouldn't really matter. UNLESS if its advice that will help you progress in whatever your doing. But if its somethin like negative criticism, then I just say "forgetahboutit". Lifes too short to be caring about your impression on people. Do what you want. Live your life.

What my parents have taught me in life.

Well lets see, I'm gonna start off with my father. My father taught me that I should give love to everyone and always be generous when it comes to things. On the other hand with my mother, she pretty much taught me how to be crazy and that I should scream and yell to get what I want. I wouldn't exactly say that is the greatest thing my mother has taught me but I will say that it works for me. Hhahahah.

Growing up in a biracial family isn't weird. Well at least not to me. The character traits I've received from my parents are the ones that counts towards what is the greatest thing they have taught me.

The Little Things; WIKI IT UP TIMEEE

THE HELL DOES WIKI MEAN?!?!?:
Wiki (also known as Project Wiki and Wiki: Master of Tales) is a MMORPG published by Webzen Games Inc. that was intended to be released in 2006.

[google gave me this answer]

unfortunately wikipedia won't let me create an account due to the ip address i'm currently using.
i will try again later and update this post.

IM IN A REALLY GOOD MOOD

who ever knew that listening to some good charlotte would put a gal like myself into a good mood.

dooodoo girls don't like boys girls like cars and MOONEEEYYYYY

blah. anyways. I'm back at school and i'm in a really good mood. Its probably the medicine finally starting to kick in, but meh, i'll never know. Dinner theater is tonight, I'm thinking about going but I have to go to aftercare around 6 and yaddie yadda ya.

Blah. BLAH. I'm in a really BLAH mood right now. And I also have a small crush on ben. muwahhahah


damn. okay. i'm gonna resume my apex work. and pretty much everything else.
OH AND I THINK I WANNA GET A STAR TREK TATTOO THAT SAYS LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! alright.

i'm being random. whatever. hahahah

I'm not one for keepin privacy on my life.

As you may have noticed, i haven't been at school for the past week. I will say that I had a major anxiety attack on tuesday which led me to having suicidal ideations. I was sent to Abbott Northwestern and am current inpatient there as of now. The only reason I'm blogging at this moment is because I'm on my 8 hour pass. That basically means that I get to be out and about for the time being till I return back to the hospital. 

My discharge however is tomorrow, my birthday. My stay at the hospital has been a good experience, I've seen and learned a lot about myself and others. And yes, I do find it very coincidental that I came here right after watching Girl, Interrupted. Hahah. I'm doing better now, and I will try my best to come to school as much as possible, unless they put me in outpatient which is most likely. 

I'm sorry for the troubles. Thank you.

Post secret.

Uhm.... I having a hard time understanding the concept of this website. Its like.. A bunch of pictures, with deep meanings behind it.

SCENTSSSSSS

mmm.... scents.


Lets see, what scents are powerful in my life?

I know one thing, Escada. I love Escada. Its been my favorite perfume since 7th grade. Everytime something bad, or terrible or amazing has happened to me, I was wearing Escada for every second of it. Unfortunately i'm all out of it. I should probably go back and buy me some, but if only it didn't cost like 75 bucks for like 10 ounces. ugh.

pre-girl interrupted thoughts worksheet

To your way of thinking, how do you define sanity? What does sanity look like?

Sanity. Sane. The opposite of insane. The definition of insane is afflicted with or characteristic of mental derangement. This could only mean that sane is the complete opposite. In my opinion, defining sanity is just as much saying that you're pretty much not crazy, or mentally deranged.

I don't think sanity can look like anything. Human beings are easily fooled. You think you know someone, but the next thing you do know is that they're some psycho serial killer.

In contrast to that, what does insanity look like? Sound like? Act Like?

Pretty much just look at my first answer to answer this question. In a fish bowl though, I would say that insanity is pure craziness. Hectic. Psychotic. Mentally unstable. What does it sound like? It sounds like hell. What does it act like? Insanity is the act of delinquency of the mind. You do things, but you don't exactly know why. Impulsiveness.

Does our society demonize insanity? Or, does our society seem to revel in and make celebrities out of people struggling with mental illness?

Our society is corrupted. We make entertainment out of other people's sorrow for our pure enjoyment. I want to say that demonizing is the same as making fun of people's pain. It seems that no one has sympathy anymore. We are all just.. just... insensitive towards people's actions and etc.

What personal struggles or challenges are often partnered with mental illness?

Depression. Its considered a major mental illness. Especially in America. The struggles that come along with depression are usually the things that helped sparked it, enabled the mental illness. Examples would be such as the falling economy, or maybe a break up in a relationship, or even family issues.

In your own life, how have you known or experienced mental illness?

I'm not one to lie, but I don't want to brag either. I'm depressed. I have anxiety attacks. Sometimes it feels like I can't feel. Oxymoron right? Take it more in a metaphorical sense. I've experienced many things, I have a tendency of becoming exceptionally emotional. I have mental break downs, I think of the worst too much. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I've always been told to be prepared for the worst. But what if the worst hits you when you least expect it? And thats when you break down your interior and become a different, less of a person.

How has your generation been influenced by medical interventions for depression?

I wanna say that everyones screwed in the head now. Decades ago you would never hear anything about this. Ever. But now it seems like its the only topic of conversation. Its absolutely ridiculous.

I really don't know why i keep getting these random bursts of headaches. Every time i get up my head pounds for about, i dont know like 5 minutes, and then goes away as if it nothing ever happened. I was trying to think of answers why my head was doing this, [yes i've been watching too much house lately]. And this is what I came up with.

• Dehydration
• Concussion
• Deprived of sleep
• Nutrient depletion
  

Yeah... I'm pretty sure theres more reason. But I'm too lazy to think of them.

Crikey.

Mothers day, first times, blood drive.

Mother's day was alright for me. I saw star trek, had some eggs, went to church for the first time in forever. Yeah, it was alright. Honestly, i'm really a huge fan of those random holidays. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tryin to sound selfish here but its just not my tango. Star trek on the other hand... AMAZING. Seriously, like i thought it was gonna be some weird ass trekkie movie. But from the beginning to the end it was just freakin non stop action. And i dig that kind of stuff. Action is LIFE.

First times... hmm... Lets see. I remember the first time I got the training wheels off my bike when i was like 4. I was on it, and I was just like "yo mom. get this stuff off mah bike fammo" and she was like "mkaaaaay". And I did it.

Alright, it didn't exactly go like that, but its pretty much what happened. Gah.


AND THAT STUPID BLOOD DRIVE. I look like a goddamn junkie now because they screwed my veins up so bad. My right arm looks like some requiem for a dream shit. And my left arm is just bruised up as a mothaf***er. Hahah, I thought you might like the bleeping up the cuss words. hahha

Smart Went Crazy

So I'm sitting here in apex, just being random and procrastinating. Looking through shirts and I found this one.

Its a unicorn riding through a storm. You kinda have to know the song to understand the shirt i guess... hahah

SIDNEY BOSTON

I KNOW WHO SIDNEY LIKES MNUWHAHAHAHAHWHWHWHMWUSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMQUWUWAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHDFKDKDKAGLIGIRFIKDFKAMWMIUWHAHAHAHAHHA

Question of the day: What do you dream about? How do you interpret those dreams? Or, how do you tackle insomnia and sleepless nights? I ended up getting up and finishing a book:) but I'll pay for that later today when all I want is a nap.

I wish I could tell you what I dream about but for me I only day dream. When I actually fall asleep I can never remember what I had a dream about when I wake up. As for insomnia and sleepless nights, I can definitely relate to this. I don't know what it is these days, but my mind is just going wacko tacko on me. Why? well, problems. Stupid itty bitty problems that screw everything up and blah blah blah.

I should probably finish the pelican brief. Death.

Post-Film Girl, Interrupted.

Angelina Jolie received an Academy Award for her role as Lisa in this film. Describe why you think she merited this acting achievement.

Its obvious enough that Angelina would be the perfect actress to play the crazy/wild girl in a movie. I feel that she uses method acting, where you become your character. Even though Winona Ryder's character was the main person in this story, the supporting role of Lisa would out beat Kayson any day.

How does Kaysen's memoir differ from the tone and personality of the movie's Kaysen?

Well, the memoir itself seems darker than the movie just by a tad bit. But I can see how the narration in the movie can compare to tone in the memoir. In my opinion, I feel that reading shows more personality than a movie overall. Its just how it works.

What characters form the memoir were fleshed out in the film? How were they developed or changed? Please select two characters:

Lisa; In the book, she seemed a bit more toned down. They portrayed her in the movie as some ridiculously insane, wild child. Which is what she is, in the least bit. But they just over exaggerated her character to probably get the audiences feed off it.

Jim Watson; Is Jim suppose to be Toby? I didn't really understand this. Jim is set up to be a grand ol' Nobel Prize winner smartass. And Toby is enlisted in the arm. The only reason why I connected to the two characters to begin with was because of the whole "lets get Kayson and get the hell out of here". Toby wants to go to Canada, and Jim wants to go to Europe. For both, however, Kayson rejects them and feels that shes better off staying at the institution.

The memoir, to me, reads like Susanna still lives her life very much in isolation. In the film, the girls bond and create friendships, however tenuous. Which situation is more realistic or likely? Why do you think the film developed these relationships for us to view.

Well this depends on the what exactly do you mean by situation. I do feel that a relationship developing between Lisa and Susanna can happen. Opposites attract, and they in fact are complete opposites. But at the same time, they are very similar. Now in the film, Susanna developed a sexual/physical attraction towards one of the guards at the institution. This shows her promiscuity, which can be related to her attraction to the English teacher. Now this I'm not really too sure of its likeliness of happening. I mean we all hear about relationships between teachers and students. But in a everyday matter, I believe the chances of this happening is very slim.

The film contextualizes Daisy's death very differently from the memoir. Why do you think this was done? Is there ever someone to "blame" when it comes to suicide?

The reason why Daisy's death was different from the memoir was mainly due to movie action. It was a dramatic scene, and its easy to blame someone for someone else's action. But in my opinion I feel that there usually is no one to blame. Blaming someone isn't going to bring them back. Now people surrounding the person committing suicide can be a contributing factor, although it isn't like someone put a gun to their head and told them to commit suicide.

Girl, Interrupted; Written Assessment

What do you think is the significance of the title? Connect the title to at least two of the characters in the story:

Girl, Interrupted... Over the years, for decades and centuries the male and female species are stereotyped. Men are characterized as being workers, making the money, etc etc. Females are characterized as staying at home and keeping sane. I feel that if the title alone were to just say "Girl", it would only satisfy the fact that this was a story about a girl. By adding the word
"Interrupted" though, shows that maybe, just maybe, this story might be about a crazy girl. Maybe crazy is a tad bit strong, but its the truth.
This title obviously connects to the main character, Susanna Kayson, on many different levels. Kayson is perceived as average looking until you see through all the bullshit and notice this girl is anything but normal. Another character from the story that could connect to this would be Polly. I know most people might say Lisa, but Lisa was always insane. As for Polly, she did something dramatic and it ended up interfering with her whole life.

Think of a time when you felt outside of yourself. Describe what prompted that experience and what you observed from that experience:

Out-of-body experiences. I've been having a lot of these lately. But they usually only arise when I have a flashback to something. Its pretty much a dream in the least bit, but instead of seeing it through my eyes, I see the process as a whole. For example, I was thinking about the conflicts and arguments between my friends and I that happened in the past. But in these thoughts, its like a playback, but a playback of something totally different. Its hard to put into words though. Lets say you were thinking about a conversation you had with someone in the past. Now for me, its like that, but remembering the conversation i take up something different. By that I mean I say the things I didnt say to see a different out come.
Talking about this subject makes me feel crazy. Meh.

What character is trapped in a physical body scarred by her suicide attempt? Why was she envied, even admired by the author.

Simple, her name is Polly. She was envied because of the whole scar tissue concept. The idea that scar tissue has no characteristics. It doesn't age, theres no pores, no hair, nothing. Its just a cape to cover over the person that you really are.

What is it about Lisa that makes her dynamic and intriguing:

She just doesn't care for anything in the world. She's eccentric and complicated. I find that people draw themselves to these types of characteristics in people. Why? Because its different. Human beings are curious by nature. When something seems off, we want to know why. And then as for the people like Lisa, they're just there to have a good time. She might be insane, but shes a genius at the same time. Knows what she wants and is unpredictable at the same time.

Do you think that the relationship Kayson had with her English teacher was the catalyst for her mental illness? Why or Why not?:

The relationship that Kayson had with her English teacher was nothing but physical attraction. Obviously her teacher was a dumbass for even trying to engage in something of that sort to begin with, but thats just my opinion on the situation. I do believe that maybe her affair with the English teacher might be a contributing factor towards the matter but I do not believe it was the main catalyst for her mental illness. Kayson was diagnose with borderline personality disorder. What exactly is that anyways? Well borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with relationships and self-worth. People with this disorder often have other problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse. Its pretty much something that has always been there. What sparks it? No one really knows, but we do know it exists.

How did Georgina respond to the caramel incident?

She just stood there, as if nothing happened. Showed no pain, no sign of nothing. She just stood. Maybe Georgina just doesn't show signs of having physical pain even though she endures them.

Describes Kayson's views on suicide. In what way do the reveal both sanity and madness?
Sanity; Suicide is pre-meditated murder. Or to just debate on the topic of they can actually do it or not do it.
Madness; motive to kill herself was inspired after not writing an American history paper.

She makes good points on suicide. But the idea of suicide in general is just ridiculous.

Uhhhh.... Trip to here and there?

I'm pretty sure I wanna visit Makati again. Makati is probably the COOLEST place ever. Mainly because its in the Philippines, and its just cheaper to travel there, but yeah!

my flickr page is http://www.flickr.com/people/tinalucht/

and no, theres nothing on it yet. but i will upload photos.

I just finished reading the girl,interrupted story

And its true, movies and books are never the same. And the books are always better than the movies. Meh, I wish movies we're on par with the books, especially this one. I thought it was pretty cool that Kaysen had the original papers from her stay at the hospital. I'm not exactly sure how that would play out in a movie, but it was cool.

Make Up

This topic is actually pretty interesting. I was just talkin about how I hate wearing make up earlier. But its just so unfortunate that people like to hid themselves under cake to make them feel good about theirselves. Thus the word "make-up". Making up who you are, to improve a better you. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes i wear make up just for the hell of it. But nothing too over done. Simple eyeliner is usually all i need.

A month or so ago, I went to the MAC store with Damien because he wanted me to get a make-over. Honestly, I thought I looked like a prostitute. Too much make up on my face is just bleh. I like being natural. But sometimes without make up I can look dead. I should probably engage myself into getting more sleep, but whats the point in sleeping if your mind doesn't stop going?

Marriage.

I've gone through many phases in the past 16.9 years of my life where I went from hating the idea of marriage to only thinking about marriage. I kind of want to blame movies about marriage and relationships and what not. In example, He's Just Not That Into You. I haven't read the book, but I did see the movie. And it really got me thinkin about all of this kind of stuff. I will say this though, marriage can ruin relationships. I've seen it happen over and over, all the time. And I'm sure a lot of people can come to agree with me, which is why people wanna avoid it. Like my best friends mom for instance. She doesn't want to marry her boyfriend because she's been married before and saw how it can screw things up. I just feel that maybe the whole labeling a relationship gets to peoples heads. You feel that you have new obligations in life, when honestly getting married is just saying that he/she is your wife/husband. Nothing changes, at least in my perspective.

We are all told that being in a marriage, is like an anchor tying you down to the floor. We're told that it holds you back from doing most things. But seriously, its only like that if you make it to be so. Not a hard concept to understand. If people would stop thinking about all the wrongs that could happen in labeling a relationship into a marriage, then people would stop bitchin and dickin around. And now i'm blabbering and losing my train of thought. Stupid facebook, stupid cold.

Girl, Interrupted.

I've been in a "obsessed with Angelina Jolie" mood lately, which led me to goin on a rampage of buying all her best movies. This including Girl, Interrupted. Although she is a supporting character in this film, she is the best actress fitted for her role. Her costars includes Winona Ryder, Clea DuVall, Brittany Murphy, Woopi Goldberg, and Jared Leto. Now the story over all is about Susanna Kaysen's (Winona Ryder's character) 18 month long stay and a mental institution. Throughout this time period, she develops a better understanding of herself and learns to grow. She becomes good friends with her inmates. Especially Lisa (played by Angelina Jolie), who can be characterized as a sociopath without a soul.

The movie itself is a bit of a mind twister. Starting from the beginning, theres always short little flashbacks that go on during Susanna Kaysen's thoughts. But because of the flashbacks, it helps the audience understand a bit more about Susanna's situation. Now how exactly did Susanna even land in an institution? She seemed perfectly fine, just a tad bit more independent than the rest of the girls back in the 60's. Well, unfortunately, chasing a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka counts more towards being crazy instead of average. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to stay at a hospital for a week or two, just to see if I can meet some of the same people Susanna met. There was a main group of girls that she particularly hung out with. This would include Lisa, who was a bit more of the leader of the group. Very intimidating and very demanding of her needs and wants. Then theres Polly, a girl who burned herself at the age 10 just to get rid of a rash. Georgina on the other hand is Susanna's roommate. She is considered a pathological liar, but only lies to the people who keep her in the institution just so she can stay longer. And then theres Daisy. Theres not much to say about Daisy without actually giving anything away, so i'll just leave it at that.

I believe that James Mangold did an amazing job setting up this crew. The direction the movie had was believable and felt very close to heart. The cast for this movie was outstanding and I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone who wants to see a bit more wilder side of life. Not trying to say that this is actually what a mental institution is like now, but just the overall thought that maybe there is a bit more to life than death.

My Achilles Heel

Waiting. Thats my achilles heel. Pathetic right? I know. My greatest downfall is falling. Once I hit rock bottom, theres no thought in my mind that i know how the hell i'm gonna reach back up. I was once told that time is the best medicine. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world. I'm more of a "instant gratification" kind of gal. If it doesn't happen right away, I become angry and anxious. I was looking at the characteristics of my horoscope the earlier today, to help give me inspiration for this topic. This is what I found:



Taurus; [mental attitude excerpt from sajilo.com]

You have lots of patience and can withstand great hardships. But when provoked beyond limits, you become wild with rage and no power can withstand you.
Taureans are quite conservative and have a strong will power. They also show signs of laziness.
You cannot be deceived into doing anything that you do not want to.

Yeah, no patience at all.

Horoscopes ARE DECIEVINGGGGG.

i keep dickin around

i'm sittin here today, staring blankly at this computer.
tryin to gather myself, figuring out the things i gotta do
i was sick on friday but now i'm doing better
but now i'm behind on everything and i'm starting to feel sicker.
its not the thought of doin homework thats bothering me the most
its just the simple fact that i ain't got the focus
my minds in different place, not even in my head
so i'm just gonna keep on staring till i fall asleep in my bed.