And my last song for beauty.

Voé !!(1..2..3..4..5..1..2..3..4..5)
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me

On my fifth day, my day off a month early,
the early work is the big bite by little birdie
the early bird is chased and caught by the cat
watch your back little bird,
because I’m up from my nap
yes, I got a cable TV, and I got a cable mic
its only got (1) channel, but the reception is tight
I’m flying by the seat of my pants,
so at the end of the night, your records come alive
and beg for the daylight.
(5) miles away my brothers in his room
playing games like star craft
burning other people to flames
and likewise, right here, right now
the show of aggression (5) fingers,
(1) My next lesson, the session gets deeper
follow me through, I brought my pen and pad
and just a little inspiration, to guide you with,
you can just listen and learn
itchin the burn, vision for the rhythm
were given them to return 
sayin:

[Chorus]
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me

1...2…3…4…5

1…2…3..4…5

Wake up, its early morning, get dressed,
turn on my radio, another beautiful day,
in my neighbourhood,
since the mornings when I’m mostly inspired,
though I’m still a bit tired, I write,
because I’m feeling like the flavours good
Saturday was yesterday, last week
and nothings open now except for coffee shops,
which really aint my style
I smile as I writing, this world is still asleep
its just me and the sun,
and we’re conversin for a while
now its (5) 50 (5), in the early on
the shadow, on my lawn become the midget welder
sun moves along
a little bit more hustle as I nod to my neighbours
they have no idea, they gon be in this song
they’re cool, still the dopest person out there
my mother, she accepts me for my rapping
as if rapping was my lover,
and she, she accepts me for my rappin of course
because Bart needs inspiration, needs a source
don’t blink at (5) D M on this day
I’m driving by and drivin away, tryin to say
that my throat hurts, I’m all talk
and really no work and
everybodys at the writing callin feelings adjourn
so what doesn’t make you wince now
can only make you better  
we’d all be better swimmers if the world was really wetter
the moral of the story is to remain untold
it never really ends
it just twists and unfolds
sayin:

[Chorus]
Its for the live shows, its for the beats and
Its for the woman who sleeps under my sheets so
Its for the energy which builds exponentially
Its for my friends, who keep on reinventing me
(x 4)

Here's another song for Beauty.

Gold and crimson tinged, flittering leaves litter the streets
Sitting beneath the trees, she sleeps innocently
Didn't believe that a being so beautiful flew this low
Using slumber to stun others with features almost musical
And when her low notes, my soul hopes for something more than friendly
When her golden notes hit other folks, I feel close to envy
I'd never wake her, but if the slumber ever ceases
I would rouse her with my kisses and tussle with her demons
Seemingly familiar even though I know I've never met her
Like I send a dream in a letter to heaven and it sent her
Went
Word
Sent word to others
There's a lover, never met, yet she's sleeping in my covers
There ain't no others, count the rubbers up to prove it
Don't want to be the nuisance always asking, "Wanna do it?"
I'd run through it
Shoot, my lingua's always fluent
And even if our paths don't cross, I know our wants are congruent
So pursue it incessantly
Her exceptional essence and presence is testing my sensory, incessantly
Does destiny beckon me to set next to thee, indefinitely
"Yes," says the memories, incessantly
Then with the best of me, let it be
To quest for the recipe
To wrestle the delicate thread imbedded in the chest of she
So string-heart heads to me
Yes indeed
Let's proceed
Sensibly, in depth, pensively, yet intensely

She made my heartsprings stretch screams like guitar string-fret swing sets
Yet she still left when chills crept through the treble clefs
Better get another pump bolted in, it broke again
It's housings are rusted, it's only tin


June '93, rock-a-bye baby
Waking up out of the tree
Was she smiling at me?
(Who?)
Me with the hat back, knapsack, no tact
Told her I watched her sleep and read her my amorous raps
She loved that, a pleasant surprise
Then she went with whatever like a drink and some fries
All right Ms. Honey B. Devine
She offered me a ride, and yet we ended up talking all night
The reason why
You know the steelo
Summer of the Skee-o, the way a brother speak low
Yo, I'm not endorsing no reckless endangering
But I ran out of condoms like a modern Wilt Chamberlain
Check the hussle
Send a shrug towards the struggle
Listerine and Al Green to squeeze a fuck out of a cuddle
But stuck out of the huddle whenever my friends swoop through
I say, "You're barking up the wrong tree"
They say, "She duped you"
Who, you mean my boo?
You're just mad 'cuz she don't like you
Snapping at what I have, that's the damage of spite, fool
Take a bite, dude
You ain't even got the plums that I do
Go write a haiku and talk about all that's inside you
Boy, was I cool
'Til the lightning strike split the divining tool that led my eyes to
the tree of life inside of you
It withered and died too soon
A little each time you pruned the beautiful side of truth by lying about
who else was laying beside you

Here's a song for beauty.

Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
What would it take to make a women like you
You a wolf like me for what I really might be
Listening to the lyrics only heres what I allow
You gotta try and make me testify for here and right now
Lets have a confrontation over a cold one
I'll give you conversation just to see if you can hold em
I play so dumb
Because I know some of these star struck small talk art fucks is no fun
I'm the blood type that goes straight for the guns
Like before you even spoke already knew what your loves like
So what you thinking?
Because I'm thinking we should jump into your ocean
Let's go girl this ship is sinking

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

[Slug]
Now there's no reason to lie, I've had a lot of lovers
In my reality its impossible to avoid it
But theres one reason for life gotta provide some supper
Gonna build a family just to watch some one destroy it
Do you really think you really wana get to know me better
Don't you see the drama
Don't you feel the pressure
Don't get me wrong it would be my pleasure
To sing a song that could remove your shoes and your sweater
Bartender let me get a shot of bean
Cause this girl over here is trying to get me out my jeans
And she doesn't seem to believe i'm just another thief
Came to take a piece and make you stutter when you breath

Now girl you to smart to be a tour mark

Set to play correct from the start with your pure heart
And when your all alone ill sing into your phone
If you don't know the words you can make up your own

The first time she met the devil was at first avenue
Went back stage with him into the dressing room
Sexy ego trip
Taller than expected
About six foot three
Seemed to thrive on his misery
Critical observant big words
Sweaty hair sunken eyes and thick nerves
She said ill make em smile for the simple fact that he needs it
I'll make him smile just so I can kill it an eat it

You look like you were built for me
You talk like you want to steal my drink
You kiss like you already came
And that's a lift to pull a line for those with out any game

It's like damn baby
You know you can't save me
But you should still tell your people that your leaving with the band
Maybe you can show me your hustle
Neither one of us would be so lonely
If only you would come over here and hold me
I caught you trying to hide your smile behind your glass
But all of your secrets become a swing set when you laugh
And all of your regrets that you're carrying a burying
Don't mean a damn thing if there's nobody to share them with

We've been following each other all night now
We ought to be all over each other like right now
I don't like crowds lets take flight now
Cause that face that you make
Reminds me of my life now

[Chorus: repeat 6X]
Look at your face
When all I could see was myself looking back at me
Reflection
And all I could do was think about sleeping next to you

"Only trying to find myself inside of you"

Beauty song number 1. I only look for beauty in music. Songs I can relate to. Songs that explains my life. This is a prime example of beauty to me.

beauty. continued.

Beauty.

First, describe to me your concept of beauty. What is beautiful to you? Who is beautiful to you? What does beautiful sound, smell and taste like? Do you believe in inner beauty? Do you believe a person becomes more beautiful with time and why?

My concept of beauty. hmm. Well lets see, theres physical attractiveness and then theres the emotional stuff. Honestly, I look to see the beauty in people rather than the average "tall, tan, buff" bullshit.

Whats beautiful to me, pride and confidence. Truthfulness, honesty, respect. If you were to ask me this question a few years ago I probably would've said "i like grungy looking guys who are totally BADASS!"

YEAH...no. Not in the least bit anymore. Physical beauty can never compare to the ways someone acts.

The thing that I consider beautiful is simplicity. Sound, smell, taste. If its simple, its beautiful. I don't like it when many things are scrunched all together.

Do I believe in inner-beauty? Yes.
Yes I do.
I rather see inner beauty than outer beauty. If I could look through everyone and see them for who they really are, I would know what and what not to choose in life.
But life however, isn't simple. Aging in life although is beautiful. Think of it as the changing of the seasons. As the year progresses, everything starts changing. Making it beautiful. Its unfortunate that people don't brace the fact that aging is a beautiful natural act. Instead, theres plastic surgeons trying to make everyone stay as young as possible [or at least look like it]

Depressing. Meh.

My book readings yay

So the other night I was laying in my bed, glaring at my ceiling just wondering "wtf am I doing". I turned to my right, and there the book was. The Pelican Brief by John Grisham. I sat up and started reading it.

At the same time, I realize the movie was in my dvd player. As I was reading the book, I made comparisons to the movie. I can tell you this much so far, the beginning of the book does not come up to par with the movie.

Its kinda weird come to think of it, in the book it describes one of the character and cool and sleek looking. But in the movie, the character is portrayed as a normal looking person with geek chic. This character goes by the name of Callahan, who is Darby Shaw's Professor/Secret lover on the side.

OH GOD. I SHOULD PROBABLY DESCRIBE THE CHARACTERS NOW!
Alright, so far in the book [which is pretty much the first few chapters] I've gotten a description on who each person is.

Darby Shaw- beautiful red haired lady who just happens to be ridiculously smart and 2nd in her class. Heh, no wonder her professor finds her interesting. This chick has it made. Brains and beauty.

Rosenberg- Supreme Court Judge who is ridiculously old, so old he's hooked up to an oxygen tank and can barely talk.

Jensen- Another Supreme Court Judge.

Callahan- Professor of Darby Shaw. He teaches a con law class, that everyone takes interest in even though its like the lamest class ever [so the book says].

okay honestly. I read this book around 6th grade. I didn't really understand it. But now that I've started reading it again, I understand it more. So I might as well give a quick summary on what the books about anyways.

[This by the way, isn't really a formal summary so yeah.. hahah]
Alright, so theres these 2 supreme court judges who were assassinated right? Darby Shaw herd about this and figured she could find out who can be accountable for the killings. Therefore she wrote this brief that ended up in her boyfriend/professors hands to look over. And from there it ended up going all the way to the government and took this as a serious matter. In the brief Shaw implicated that the government was a major contributor to this, so they go after her and try to kill her but instead they end up killing her boyfriend. And then she went to this reporter dude, hoping to get the word out. And so they basically go on this adventure just to exploit this and blah blah blah.

I know what its about, I'm just too lazy to get into major detail about it. I will in my next blog though dealing with this however. Promise. :D

Perfect.

So, for today, I'd like you to write about someone that you know and care about in life (could even be you) whose life is still in process, but they perhaps have made PROGRESS.

Wow. I'm pretty sure I can write a lot when it comes this kind of topic. Pretty much my love life right here. Alright, I'm gonna do this.

There's this guy. His name is Rob. Pretty much the only guy to ever catch my eye. Starting from the beginning he had me worried. Which is why I think I cared so much about him. Its weird if I think about it. In the past, if someone had a problem I would only pretend to care. But for him, it was a different story. I could see right through him. Right through all his stupid bullshit that he kept fronting. And same goes for me. He looked through me and knew what was really up, why I had a brick wall in front of me all the time. Not gonna lie, I was scared by the this. We were too much a like. Too much to the point that we would always butt heads. I've always been there for him when he was fucking up. Even though I didnt want too. Its hard to stop caring about someone who can do so much damage to you, you know? Its hard. I've tried not giving a damn about his problems. I tried spacing myself, but when you see someone sayin help, what are you suppose to do? Nothing? No, you do something. No matter the situation. Except with him, he would scream help, but wouldn't let anyone help him. It made no sense, it still makes no sense now. I wish I could stop caring about this kid. Its just too much pressure on me. But then again, theres nothing I can do. I can't help this kid. Especially if he won't let me.

Now this is how I see things. This kid obviously needs someone to show him love. Growing up, he was abused, emotionally & physically. I would know, he told me his life story. I see the good in people. And I try to let it out weigh the bad. But for him, the bad takes toll. Over everything. He used to be strong though you know? I don't know what happened though. He came back and turned back to his old self. Trying to block me out of everything while still saying he needs me in life. Shits crazy. Too crazy. Ahh. damn.

Death. I have no more to say.

i know i've been gone for a while

no this blog is no excuse for my absences, but if you'd care to know why i'd be more than happy to fill you in.

i've been out of place lately, i wake up and get dressed but as soon as i get to my car i just can't make myself go anywhere. i have no motivation to go to school, for the only reason i started pursuing good grades was so i could graduate early and live with some asshole that i'm practically in love with. maybe i'm sick. maybe i just think i'm sick. either way i can't think straight. i can't concentrate. shit, i can't do anything right without some feeling stopping me.

but now i'm sitting here thinking "wtf, i'm pretty much gonna go on and become a bum if i keep acting like this" so i'm setting the record straight.

i'm gonna do my homework.

all my homework, becky- i know i'm gonna get a crap ton of points taken off my projects but at least i'm putting the effort into doin it. 

i'll be at school on monday. most definitely. 

Today.

I've been in weird mood all day. Swear to god. I woke up this morning, depressed out of my mind. I hopped in my car, listened to some music, trying to make my day better. I got a text from my ex, more problems start to arise. He cares about me, but he doesn't need me, and if he needs me he has the worst way of showing it. I got to school, listened to a song on repeat. Blasting it like I was the only person in sight. Sometimes I wish I could just go into my own world. A world where I'm by myself, trying to find a balance between this here reality and the dream I wish I was living. I saw my psychologist yesterday. And she made me make a list of things I want in my life. I don't know what I want in life. Actually scratch that, I do. I want happiness. But happiness is hard to achieve. I had that once, but I don't know what happened. It disappeared. You know, I'm in a good place right now. I feel alright. I feel better than alright. I feel great. But knowing me, thats gonna change. I got issues, I'm emotional, I tend to take things the wrong way, but it doesn't matter to me. What I do is what I do.

I'm getting sick of receiving the same advice. Over the past few days all I've been hearing is

"Its all gonna work out in the end" "In the end, everything will be better"

But what if the end never comes? What If I'm just stuck here in the middle, going through life's ups and downs? I wanna find the balance. I wanna try to find this balance that I find my self stuck in. I wanna get up and leave. I might do that right now. Get up and leave. Get up get out get the hell out of town, go do something worth something. Shit.

Million Dollar Baby Assessment

Movie Questions:
How effectively do you think this film was cast? Did the director do a quality job assigning parts to appropriate actors? Why or why not? (3)

Alright, Hilary Swank as an actress is just amazing. I loved her role in Boys Don't Cry and I also loved her role in this movie as well.

Morgan Freeman was also a specifically good actor in this movie as well. Although I will say, the narration with Clint Eastwood's voice got annoying.

However, I did notice one thing. Some of the actors casted in this movie, are huge comedians that you can see in any Seth Rogen movies. (i.e. Michael Pena; Observe & Report, Jay Baruchel; Knocked Up)

Interesting movie cast, for the most part.

Describe how well you think this film was adapted from the story? What parts of the story were missing? What was maintained? (3)

Well, some parts of the movie stayed the same, they added a lot to it though. The parts that were missing were just really small detailed parts towards characters however. For example, J.D. was suppose to be big and fat, as well as Maggie's sister, but they were the complete opposite. Also the part where Frankie beats the crap out of J.D. was missing too. The parts that were maintained were the parts that had a lot to do with the dialogue of the story. "Remember what my daddy did to axel?" stayed the same, which I thought was a dramatic moment in both the story and the book.

What additional plot lines and characters were added to the movie that added positively to the film? Explain how these characters and stories enhanced our sympathies toward Maggie and Frankie, and also improved the movie overall? (5)

Scrap, played by Morgan Freeman, was a good way to incorporate a better connection between Maggie and Frankie. Danger added positivity towards the film because it really showed how good of a man Scrap was. Willie was a good way to tell Frankie he should be done with managing and move on, which later transitioned to Frankie managing Maggie. I thought it was wrong how they didn't make Blue bald though. I pictured some nasty looking lady to play the part of Blue, but noooooo. They wanted to make Blue be girly when she was out of the rink and stuff. It aggitates me when stuff like that [comparing the movie to the book] happens.

What do you believe about assisted suicide? Do you believe that Frankie made the right choice? (2)

Maggie wanted help. I would probably do the same thing/feel the same way if I was in either position. Assisted suicide sounds like a hard concept to understand, but if the person you loved was going through so much pain and needed to end it, wouldn't you do the same thing?

Both the story and the movie end after Frankie's painful choice. What do you think happens next in his life? Will he return to training? Boxing? (2)

He probably went into a deep depression. Frankie thought of Maggie as his own daughter. If I were him I'd probably just retire and dive deep into alcoholism. In the story, he did drink jameson to help him cope with the decision he was about to make. So my assumption is that he will now fall into a downwards spiral and suffer from sever depression. As pessimistic as that may sound, it does seem logical in his situation.

The Power of Movies!

The power of movies to influence our thinking is vast. Sometimes we don't even realize how our perceptions of the world are shaped by what we see in the media. Below, I'd like you to write about how movies influence our thinking and (mis)represent these ideas. Ask yourself; what do movies teach us about these topics? How do we approach our life because of how movies speak to these subjects? For each topic, please list 3 movies that support your assertions.

Romance and Love:
We're told that you either have a happy ending or you don't. I'll be realistic. No one has that fairy tale ending. Maybe thats more pessimism but in general its not real. Human beings change their minds like theres nothing to it. One moment they're in love, the next they're in love...with another person. Its absolutely ridiculous. Types of movies that show this theme is; He's just not that into you, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Definitely, Maybe.

Gender Roles:
Movies either tell us that men or woman are the more dominant species. Usually gender roles played in movies come from what we've experienced in history already. For example, how women stay home and cook and men go make the money. Movies that form around this subject; Million Dollar Baby, Wanted, Terminator 3

Conflict Resolution:
------

Human Beings Are Individual and Distinct.

Question:
Do you think that it is more challenging to overcome the limitations of our gender or the trappings of poverty? Why? Explain.

Answer:
I feel that it is more challenging to overcome the trappings of poverty. We live in a world where, in my opinion, people face a bigger fear of keeping there economic status straight. Although I will agree that the limitations of gender was bigger years ago, but its not really that big of a deal now days. Everyone is suffering in the situation that our nation is going through at the current moment. So on that note, the trapping of poverty is a bigger challenge as apposed to people's judgment on gender types.

Question:
How does Maggie overcome both the limitations of her gender in a male dominated sport and her upbringing in poverty? Why is she successful? How is a model for others?

Answer:
In the story, Maggie shows how strong she is and is aware of what shes capable of doing as long as she puts her mind to it. She's successful because she not only believes in herself, but shows others that they should believe in her too. I believe that Maggie is tremendous model to other people [mainly ranging from the female sex] by proving that girls can do the same things that guys are capable of doing. She shows strength and power, even though she suffered from a poor childhood.

I woke up to this song in my head.

Leave me never would you, if you should could I live [6x]

She said that she still wants a friendship
She cant live her life without me as a friend
I cant figure out why I'd give a damn to what she wants
I dont understand the now before the then

Most of this garbage I write
That these people seem to like
Is about you
And how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you
I doubt that they would see it
They'd wonder what i showed you
How you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistant
If I stay around, im bound to break resistance
Fuck you lucy for defining my existance
Fuck you and your differences

Ever since I was a young lad
With a part time dad
It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had
I studied my mother
I digested her pain
And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same
Travel like sound across the fate ladder
I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch
Its like that
Thank you very much
Fuck you very much

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Fuck the what happend
I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck
Used to hold her hand
Fell behind and played the role of a slower man
I wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
I wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the sheet twist me up
The last star fighter is wounded time to give it up
On a pick it up mission
Kept it bitter
Getting in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
Cookies for the road
Took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama
Hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further
The hurt feels like murder
Interperate
The eyes
Read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake
How much time did i waste?
Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess im a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close em
You swing em
It hurst when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tatoo that says warning
Thats all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover
(Fuck you)

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Leave never would you, you show could I if.....

I feel that this song is perfect for the moment. But it made me really emotional when I started thinking about my relation to the meaning of it.

Death. Death death deathhh.

I'm depressed.
My anxiety is screaming through the roofs.
I look dead.
I feel like crap.
I don't know what to do but want to lay in bed and crumble into a ball and cry.
Why?
Life. Thats why.
Don't get me wrong, in no way do i feel suicidal.
I'm just down.
The first relationship where I was full on honest to someone ends, and next thing you know my life is shattering. Shattering into a million pieces.
I'm not gonna lie, I do want him back.
But everyone keeps telling me "you're better than him. move on with your life"
If only it was that simple....
I wanna get away from anything.
I haven't felt this depressed in months. But the last time I did feel like this I ended up checking myself into treatment.
This is a different matter though.
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't do anything like that.
Why, again?
Because I learned that those aren't good ways to cope with your problems.
I don't want to see a psychologist though.
I hate talking about my feelings to those kinds of people.
I rather just go to a damn doctor and get some meds.
Maybe the reason I'm so moody is due to my depo.
I read in an article once that it can mess up your hormones and create an uneven balance in your mind.
I'm sick.
I feel sick.
I can't eat I can't think I can't focus. I'm actually pretty surprised that I'm even doing this.
Jerry just walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to talk.
But no, I don't wanna talk. I wanna sit here and complain.
Whine.
Scream.
I need a cigarette. I wish everything was simple.

You know what, I have a question.
What is love?
Is love real?
Why Why Why.

Back in the day, I steered away from relationships. I knew the toll it could take on people once it was over.
I wish I would've took my own advice 8 months ago.
Now i'm sitting here, broken over a relationship that was probably going to end anyways.
I don't understand myself though. I can't keep myself away from him.
We hang out more than ever now that we're broken up, but it just doesn't make sense.
You see us, and then you would just assume we were together.
But were not.
We're not We're not NO WE'RE NOT.
I'M PISSED. i'm furious. i'm hurt. i'm broken.
I wanna check myself in, just to get away for a while.
I don't like being around people when i feel like this.
I don't like anything when i'm this pissed.
UGh.
UGH
WHY WHY WHY

christ. I really wanna know whats wrong with me. Like really, I just wanna know what the hell did i do wrong to screw up this relationship. Its weird. i'm fighting with myself, as if theres 2 people inside of me. I feel like this is a relationship between tyler and jack from fight club.

Theres a person who wants to get out, so another person is created to help that person find his ways.
I mean i'm not saying that i have split personalities. or maybe i do? i dont know.
i should probably web md all of this. I was doing that earlier, except it was about anxiety and depression.

For some people, talking helps. But for me, I talk a lot anyways, I talk to my friends. I talk to strangers. I talk to anyone. But I will absolutely not speak to a psychologist. Maybe a psychiatrist so i can get some meds, but definitely not a psychologist.

Feeling broken feels like hell. I show signs of palpitation, which if you didnt know is an irregular upbeat heartbeat. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I can't focus yet i'm still doing this.
blah.

Earth DAY

Becky Asked:

• In what ways are you an eco-friendly person?
• How is your life a little bit green?
• How important to you are issues related to global warming, pollution, recycling and the like?

Tina Answered:

• I recycle. Well actually its more like my mom recycles, but yeah, i don't know... Hahah
• Look above. I RECYCLE. Otherwise, i'm not really huge on noticing these kind of factors.
• Hmmmmm.... How important are these issues? Uh, well lets see.
  
• Global warming; I'm not gonna be alive to actually give a darn about this suject, therefore I'm not really interested in the subject.
• Pollution; It sucks that its killing the o-zone layer, but likewise I'm not really interested in the subject.
• Recycling; My mother takes care of this because i'm too lazy to do it myself. Why yes, I do know I'm a pretty selfish person. ahhaha

The significance of 4/20

This is what pops into my head when I think about 4/20
Its actually really sad that I think about it. The only significance that this day proposes is the fact that its "everyone's a pothead" day, Hitler's birthday & the columbine shooting [at least thats what I can think of].
Personally, I could care less about this day. To me, its only another day in the year. Nothing really to big to talk about. But whatever, thats just my opinion.


blaw blah blarjeklakdu9gjka death.

i haven't been on this in a while..

alright, i'm gonna keep this short and simple. I've been pretty out of wack lately. My boyfriend got home on thursday and then we ended our relationship on sunday which lead to a mental breakdown on monday and yeah...

i know i should be focused on my work and stuff. but i've just been completely depressed. i'll try to get some work in but as for now i just don't know what to say... meh.

Responding to the following questions...

1.How are you and your teachers alike?

Well, I'm not really sure. We're both humans. We both have our own opinions. We're both awesome.

2.How are you and your teachers different?

I swear. Not as much as Sidney, but I do engage myself in a lot of cursing. Hhahahahhahfdsajfkdls. Also I do think that my opinions differ from their opinions.

3.What skills and talents do you have in common?

We both LOVE doing work. We're both intelligent.

4. What talents and knowledge does your generation have that your parents and teachers might lack?
The generation I'm coming from has a faster adaption to technology then our elders. Since everything now days is becoming upgraded, it only makes sense that we [the kids from this generation] form ourselves to it. This creates a "generation gap" in the understanding of new technology.

Its only the beginning of the day, and i already feel hazy

Today. Today Today Today. The day just started, and I'm already feeling winded. Over the past few hours, I've managed to run everywhere. I bet you're wondering what exactly do I mean. Well lets see. I woke up at 4 this morning because my sleeping schedule has been kinda out of wack, so my boyfriend called me to tell me about how the Atmosphere concert went and blah blah blah... (He's coming home today, so I'm super excited) After I got the phone with him, I laid in bed, trying to fall back asleep. But I kept tossing and turning, next thing you know its 7 a.m. and I figured I should just take a nice long shower. I left the house at 8:15 to see if Daryll needed a ride to school. When I got there, her dad was worried about being late for work and was waiting for Sam to get ready. I told him I could drive him to school, so her dad left and Sam ended up taking FOREEEEVVERRRR getting ready. By the this time it was 10 past 9. We were already late for school, all because I wanted to be the nice guy and give Daryll's dad a break. 

As I dropped Sam off at school, I realized that I totally forgot my work clothes and an excuse note for my tuesday afternoon absences. I was hoping my dad would be home so he can just write me note, but he wasn't. So after I gathered my stuff, I decided to grab my bass along to take to school to leave in the audio tech room. After I put everything in the car, I totally forgot my work shoes [I was wearing heels this morning and was like wtf dude!]. Ugksdfjdklghurofgjklsadfjklsa FKdsagjkldaguiosa 

Blah. Okay anyways, when we left the house I called my dad so he could re-write me a note. I met up with him at one of the other houses we own and then scurried off to school. By this time it was 10 to, and I was just ridiculously frustrated. Come to think of it, I still am. Anywayyysssss.... When I was putting some of the crap from the back seat to the trunk, I realized that I forgot another thing. MY WORK PANTS. Now I have to go home during lunch to grab them, because unfortunately for me today I work at 4, which interferes with my 7th hour so now I got more stupid things to worry about.

AND ON  TOP OF THAT, since my boyfriend has been gone for like...EVER, it only makes sense that I go see him when he comes home [which is ballpark, like i dont know? 5ish?]. Technically I don't get off till 7, but since work has been slow lately they're probably gonna let me go an hour early or something. My stomach keeps cramping up, I think my anxiety is kickin in, I feel nauseous and all I wanna do is GO HOME. 

I hate feeling stressed out, its absolutely lame. And I hate having 500 other things to do. I hate everything. You know what. I know you [BECKY] are going to read this, and I think I might have to agree with you. I can be quite cynical at times. Especially right now. Maybe I'm only cynical when i'm stressed. I probably need a cigarette. OR EVEN BETTER. A nice vacation to myself. A lot of you might not know this about me, but over the past few years I've come to notice many things about myself. I went from "I HATE BEING BY MYSELF! I NEED TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE" to "WTF I WANNA BE BY MYSELF. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE". Its really weird. I mean, I understand the whole concept of "people change over time" but I didn't actually think I would notice it right away.. Then again, I am pretty "self-aware" of things, or whatever, but yeah... I don't know. UGh. FKJDSLAKG7R0GUJILRAFJLIDSFU8DOAHJ.

I wonder, what if i just made of blog of me goin maniacal and just typing "djgoireyg98osajgflsajglkfjgkladgu0483t094mkdsmjvoil.vjnurolx,guoria;guo;agvjczjuo"

meh. death.

Note To Self

I'm going to write a blog on things that I currently have to do by tomorrow. Of course it might be more essential for myself to just write these things on my hand or a piece of paper, but since I enjoy blogging and I am on it like... I don't know, every few hours, I might as well make a list so I don't forget.

The List:

1. TOP PRIORITY- Write that goddamn 3 page paper on movies that influenced your life.
2. Writing in review paper. Remember, you must FIRST read 5 reviews. Then go over the reviews and collect information that people use to create a review. Look in your stupid binder for more information.
3. Read chapters 1-14 from The Pelican Brief. Create a summary on what you read so far then post it as a blog.
4. If you don't finish your Physical Science homework, it might be a good idea to grab a book and get started on it now.
5. Apex. Finish section 2 on both Global Economics and U.S. Government & Politics.
6. Read Million Dollar Baby before Tuesday.
7. Talk to Patrick about PSEO
8. Do the extra credit assignment- "At any point in the first 8 weeks of the term [preferably you do it before tomorrow just so you can say YOU'RE AN OVERACHIEVER!] you may rent and watch one of the top AFI 100 movies and write a review on that film for extra credit. Points will be awarded based on the writing quality. Becky will trust you to view a film that you have not seen before. For example, Becky expects to see ZERO film reviews on Titanic
9. Homework for Caleb's class. Algebra 2, yaddie yadda yadda...

As far as I'm concerned, thats all for now. 

Becky thinks i'm CYNICAL

So i've been occupying myself with video games lately, but apparently i've been told that i slightly resemble this girl from the video game mirrors edge. Heres a picture below.




do you think so?

The movie reviews I've gathered on The Pelican Brief

Critic Reviews

• 5 stars - Tilling some of the same conspiracy turf he explored in "All the President's Men," Pakula has improved on Grisham's book by excising much of the detritus, crafting a taut, intelligent thriller that succeeds on almost every level. More on the review - Variety, Brian Lowry
  

• 4 stars - By casting attractive stars in the leads, by finding the right visual look, by underlining the action with brooding, ominously sad music, a good director can create the illusion of meaning even when nothing's there. More on the review - Chicago Sun-Times, Roger Ebert

• 3 1/2 stars - The story, neatly compressed, unfolds in dependable and photogenic ways. And it is coaxed along by Mr. Pakula's considerable skills as a brisk, methodical film maker. More on the review - The New York Times, Janet Maslin

• 2 1/2 stars -The final result is an unnecessarily-long thriller that contains far more talking than action. Pakula's direction is lackluster, showing little of the style that permeated his two most impressive pictures, "All the President's Men" and "Presumed Innocent". - ReelViews, James Berardinelli

• 2 stars - Pakula insists that The Pelican Brief is haute cuisine, and the seriousness nearly wrecks it. More on the review - Entertainment Weekly, Ty Burr

• 1 1/2 stars - A brightly wrapped, ketchup-drenched mush-burger, it slides down the Zeitgeist esophagus like a slippery McPelican. You pay, you swallow, you drive home. You're left with nothing except, possibly, heartburn. More on the review - Washington Post, Desson Thomson

12 Rules of Writing Movie Reviews

[this doesnt have to be in order right?]

1. Get the reader's attention, forsure.


2. Whats the movie even about, in a brief summary.


3. Who is in the movie


4. Who directed the movie


5. Whats the characters' roles


6. Opening when?


7. Where is this movie taking place exactly?


8. What makes this movie interesting


9. Is the movie even worth seeing?


10. Spoilers are not allowed. Especially the ending if its like some huge give away to the movie.


11. Whats your view on the movie.


12. If it is in relation to a book, compare and contrast.

Reading Schedule for The Pelican Brief

Book: The Pelican Brief
Pages: 436
Chapters: 45
Date of Presentation: TBD

Week 1:

• Read chapters 1-14

Week 2:

• Read chapters 15-29

Week 3:

• Read chapters 30-45, finish book.
  

FML

so... since i was unaware someone else was doing fight club, i've decided to dig through my closet to search for hope.

and you know what i found to my surprise...

can i get a HELL YEAH?whoohooo i win.

43 things

Here is the link to my 43 things.
I hope you enjoy it. hahahah


http://www.43things.com/person/TinaLuckyLuck

Movies in Lit.: The book I choose is...

FIGHT CLUB

Such a fantastic movie, it would only be a shame if I didn't read the book. If it were up to me though, I would rather prefer to read Girl, Interrupted. The story of Susanna Kaysen intrigues me. Maybe its the fact that she checked into a mental institution. Or maybe its the fact that I feel that I have some sort of relation with the character of Lisa [played by Angelina Jolie]. Oh well, I'm not doing that book.



Now on to Fight Club. From the sounds of it, I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this book. For some reason, I seem to have an attraction towards subject matters that are viewed as "crazy"...

I will continue this blog another day, for now I must bid farewell and start another blog about my 43 things. Bleh.

I can't sleep

Over the past few hours, I've accomplished to watch the Usual Suspects, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Girl, Interrupted, Gone in 60 Seconds and The Fast and The Furious. Again, like I was saying in my other blog, my life is slowly becoming less and less fascinating. Its quite depressing honestly. And now I have to write a 3+ paper on movies that has influenced my life.

What a weird question, you never really think about it until someone asks you. For my sake, the movies that make an impression on my life are movies that make me think about my future. Like for instance, Spy Kids. I wanted to be a spy, always have and always will. Then there was S.W.A.T. which is more so the realistic aspect of becoming a spy. American Pie, this movie made an impression on the reality of what high school might be like when I get older. I know what you're thinking, what kind of parent would honestly let their 8 year old kid watch a rated R movie such as American Pie. But quite frankly, my maturity level at that age wasn't really affected by movies that you can see physically. You didn't hear me cursing around my parents, bringing up irrelevant conversations dealing with the subject of sex and what not...

okay, I just realized that what I'm typing here can actually be used in my paper, so instead of blogging and keeping this goin- I am going to go off and create this beautiful paper.

Good grades are better then no grades.

My Weekend

Over the course of this 3 day weekend, I found myself doing absolutely nothing but playing video games, working at papa johns and hanging out at my local skatepark. It feels like my life has become a big black hole, sucking in all the fun I could be possibly having. If you knew who I was a year ago you would understand. I'm not saying who I was then was more fun to be around with as compared to the person I am now, but I am saying I was more of a "adventurous, thrill-seeking" type of gal. 

The good ol' days, getting in trouble left and right, making terrible decisions for myself, that kinda stuff is what I used to consider FUN.

But now, I sit around my house playing video games, talking on the phone with my boyfriend, smoking cigarettes and wasting gas whenever possible.

Death.

supporting blogging?!?!?!?!?

Lets read another informational site about blogging!

Honestly, honestly honestly honestly, I feel that reading one article about blogging was enough. But in today's society ONE IS NOT ENOUGH! Sheesh, how many sites do you need just to give you a hint on how to do something. I recently googled "how to blog" and about 1,010,000,000 sites showed up. Of course not all of these sites teach you how to blog. But its just the fact that over a billion sites have to do with blogging. I wonder how many sites would come up if I were to google twitter, myspace, facebook, some sort of social network. 

Yaddie Yadda Yadda.

Unfortunately, my stomach is killing me [yet again] which is sidetracking me from this topic that I am so intrigued by (sarcasm people, you're suppose to laugh). I need food.

hmm... whats on my mind right now

Blog Blog Blog, Does it look like i really care? Muwhahah

I recently read the article on what makes a good blog. 

And to my findings, I now feel that what this person [the author of the article] sees a good blog as another form of gaining personal interest from other people. When I develop a blog, I treat it as another form of expressing myself. Without a doubt, I could honestly care less about the impact that I'm making on other people and have no aspirations or ambitions in hoping that this blog will influence another person to be like "Hey, I TOTALLY WANNA BLOG NOW CAUSE I MEAN ITS THE COOL NEW THING AND ITS A HIP FAD"

I have a way of contradicting with myself though. I have a facebook, myspace, friendster, xanga, you name it. But why do i have this? Well, like what was said in the article, "Good blogs make you want to start your own blog." I would totally have to agree. I got a Myspace back in middle school because it looked cool. It MADE me want to join the network and start telling people about myself. But now days, the whole social networking thing is getting way to large for me to keep up with. Before, we had facebook. Now, we have Twitter. 

I don't care. I just don't. I do what i do to do what i gotta do to do yeah...

I'm losing my train of thought. So I'm going to go back to being sick and watch lifetime all day.

thank you. 

ANI-MOTO-HA

This here, ladies & gents, is my ANIMOTO MOVIE. Which, if i say so myself, is pretty uhm... bleh? hahahah yeah its basically the majority of the default pictures off my facebook that pretty much describes my life. 

Different Hair Styles, Everyday, All Day, YAY.

Well Hellllooooooooo

My name is Tina.
I'm either really loud and obnoxious, or dazed out and absent.
I'm your average height, pacific islander, can speak German, hate stupid people, love to eat food, slacker, and unfortunately I'm a crazy driver. Therefore implying that I like to drive fast.

Actually Scratch That

I LOVE TO DRIVE FAST.

I guess you can say I'm a pretty humorous person, always laughing, always smiling, easy going, etc etc.
My favorite TV shows are House, CSI: Las Vegas, and Law & Order: SVU
My favorite colors are red, black and green.
I love music. Industrial is more my style so to say but I'm pretty much open to anything.
Man, I'm like...Really freakin hungry right now.
I could totally go out and eat a big juicy cheeseburger accompanied with a root beer float.

mmmmmmmmmm